Point Five

DDOS Attack: Still Down

2006-04-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

A massive DDOS attack out of Saudi Arabia on Hosting Matters took out Point Five. Also, Instapundit, Captain's Quarters, and a few other blogs you may have heard of.

I suspect from checking around that they were going after aaron's, who has been hacked several times.

Hosting Matters is still working on getting the regular site back up.

Since we haven't posted anything good for at least two weeks, I suppose this is a good as time as any.

POINT FIVE AINT HERE

2005-09-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

Point Five is here.

Oh, How I Wish To Kill All Spammers

2005-09-30T18:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like this Friday night is going to be spent deleting the avalanche of spam that has taken down Point Five.

So much for all the great posts I had planned... looks like everything will just be the regular old crap from here on out.

Point Five Down

2005-08-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

Looks like a large Denial of Service attack may be brewing. Problems on AT&T lines all day long(?)

At least from my DSL line here at the office, unable to connect to Mudville, OTB, Captain's Quarters, Wizbang, Instapundit.

Michelle Malkin, Jawa okay.

Blogger is up (obviously).

Server Down At Point Five

2005-08-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

Hosting Matters server is down. Must have been all the traffic from the Carnival, which, despite all my way-too-many emails still didn't get the Puppy Blender to link to it.

Heck, he probably decided to finally check it out this morning, and is getting a timeout.

Lovely.

So all the great funny I'm planning for today will just have to wait until my server gets fixed.

Probably by then, the hot, fresh comedy will have decayed into the regular helping of crap we usually serve up.

Okay, I Guess It's Time Now

2005-07-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

We're going to start posting over at the new Point Five.

That's http://pointfiveblog.com!

Update your blogrolls! Or use this as the perfect opportunity to drop us altogether!

Goodbye "free."
Hello "I can't believe I'm paying money to waste my own time."

Bush Graces Triumphant Cover Of Newsweek

2005-07-23T06:07:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all the partisan bickering that fills talk radio and the internet, it's easy to forget about the real legislative advances that are working their way into law, completely beneath the radar.

Newsweek highlights one such victory in next week's issue. Check it out:

Linked on Wizbang, MVRWC.

Hillary Accuses Roberts of Not Lying About Beliefs

2005-07-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

Sen. Hillary Clinton on Friday harshly criticized Supreme Court nominee John Roberts over his failure to lie about his deeply held beliefs.

"If one is going to claim to keep 'deeply held beliefs,' the Senator believes they should be kept, well... deep," said George Baker, a spokesman for the junior Senator from New York. "Sure, these beliefs exist. Sure, they're part of an overall plan to reshape America in her-- I mean, his-- own image. But they should be reframed, packaged, perhaps even contradicted in a brazen move to the center. But never be revealed!"

The Senator said the Robert's failure to create a "mainstream, centrist" characterization of himself in the popular imagination was a sign of "deep narcissism and dangerous transparency."

She further criticized his judicial decisions, claiming that they were heavy-handed, judgmental and "legalistic."

She also noted that Judge Roberts had a peculiar lack of "unexplained deaths" surrounding him. She hinted at perhaps a sinister explanation, since, in the America she knows and loves, "people you know just start dropping dead all over the place."

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Mudville, OTB.

Go Give The Therapist Your Prayers

2005-07-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

The Therapist is dealing with the impending loss of his father.

Go visit.

On The Passing of 'Scotty'

2005-07-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

OTHER INSIGHTS BY STEPHEN HAWKING:
On The Space Shuttle Launch Delay
On The Bombing Of London
On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1
On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution

Linked at Mudville.

Critics: Al Qaeda's Remake of 7/7 a Bomb

2005-07-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

Joining the ranks of other summer disappointments, including Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Bewitched, and War of The Worlds, the 7/21 London bombing is being assailed by critics as "derivative," "unremarkable," and "lacking the punch of the original."

Industry experts believe is the first-ever terrorist "remake," signaling an important shift in the War On Terror, as Al Qaeda seems to have lost the creative jihadi fire that originally took them to the top, and now are just basically throwing a hodgepodge of tired ideas against the wall and hoping they stick.

Point Five's film critic, Rex Randall, noted: "None of the original cast was available for this production. Most of the actors in the original plot were blown up at the end of the last scene. The creative team behind the original are for the most part in custody, or on the run. It feels like this one was just made in a shameless rush to make some quick violence."

But military analyst Buck Dawson sees a dark side to the attacks. "If Al Qaeda is starting to adopt Hollywood-style techniques, then this conflict is about to go to a brand new level. There's not an intelligence agency in the world that will be able to keep track of their finances. And we've seen what they can do with boxcutters, can you imagine if they were to get their hands on the script for Baby Geniuses III? We're talking thermonuclear diaper gravy."

Al Jazzeera was unable to respond to our offer for comment, but they did promise us we could "do lunch" at a later date.

Radicals Launch Second Set of London Attacks

2005-07-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

Four bombings shook London today, In an eerie repeat of the 7/7 attacks, three subways and one bus were hit. Fortunately, the bombs did not take any lives, and the manhunt is on for the bombers.

Terrorism experts are in wide agreement that today's attack was an exploratory strike, meant to gauge the anger level of western countries in the face of ongoing terrorism.

"When the coalition forces went into Afghanistan after the 9/11 attacks, American anger level was at about 7% Pissed Off on the Johnson Scale." The Johnson Scale is a widely used indictator of Western vengeance levels.

With the attacks of 7/21, it is believed the level may be raised to 8% Pissed Off.

"Al Qaeda appears to have adopted a strategy similar to that dumbs**t friend you had in fifth grade, who thought it was really funny to tease the neighbor's Rottweiler by poking it with a stick."

America has not gone above 23% Pissed Off in modern history, which was reached when America dropped two nuclear bombs on Japanese civilians to prove an important point about starting a war with the greatest nation that has ever existed.

The only time America ever reached 100% Pissed Off was in a time completely lost to history, over 523 million years ago, when the Original America got pissed off at some particularly irritating trilobytes. The resulting retaliation is widely known as "The Precambrian Mass Extinction", and was responsible for the elimination of 90% of all life on Earth.

So keep it coming, Al Qaeda "Masterminds."

You may think you are detonating bombs, but you are really only lighting a very slow fuse.

Get The Real Story:
Michelle Malkin has a running roundup, Rusty asks if might not fit the IRA M.O., Wizbang, The Anchoress has remedial help for those who wonder why we fight.

Carnival Of Comedy Finally "Movin' On Up"

2005-07-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

The Carnival Of Comedy's investment in a cleaning business finally paid off, as it has relocated to tony new digs in IsFullOfCrap, out of the IMAO ghetto.

Visit and die!

I mean, laugh.

China Drops UNOCAL Bid, Makes Offer on Supreme Court

2005-07-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

Outraged over their failed plan to purchase UNOCAL, Chinese officials, determined to own a controlling interest in America's future, have announced their intent to engage in a hostile takeover of the Supreme Court.

The purchase comes at an ideal time for China, as the general tenor of the court will tip precipitously pro-American with the confirmation of John G Roberts as the 109th justice of the court. It is believed that Beijing believes ownership of the court will allow it to fire whichever justices do not give it special favor in rulings on "open trade, gross polluters, and the rescinding of all worker safety and child labor laws."

In an heroic effort to stop communist infiltration, an American corporation has made a counter-bid on the court. Calvin Klein has tendered a $3.5 billion offer, and promised to move the Supreme Court to its "Live Billboard" located in New York City. The live billboard is currently home to about 40 models who are paid to simulate a 24-hour party, two stories above the city streets.

"Think about it", said Calvin Klein representative Joseph Gutenberg, "Instead of partying models, pedestrians will now be able to view live Supreme Court hearings, and experience the justices as they go about their daily lives. And if you think models know how to party, wait until you meet Ginsburg!"

The company has said that the new "Courtboard" will primarily be used to advertise new law-themed products, such as Calvin Klein's Obsession v. Ralph Lauren Blue.

Bystanders at street-level will also be treated to a special glimpse of what lies beneath the judges' robes. Wide-brim hat vendors are expected to experience exponential profit increases as their headwear comes into high demand due to its peripheral-vision-obscuring properties.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Mudville Gazette and OTB.

Dem Dirty Tricks in Roberts Nomination

2005-07-20T06:28:00.000-07:00

A broken fax machine in DNC headquarters delayed Democrat talking points receipients from "formulating their own opinions" on the John Roberts nomination last night. The delay gave Republican spokespeople a slight edge in the opening salvo of what promises to be a contentious battle to replace the open seat on the Supreme Court left in the wake of the retirement of jurist Sandra Day O'Connor.

The Democrat Meltdown Meter, buried deep within an "undisclosed location," inches ever closer to red with the announcement of John G Roberts as Bush's SCOTUS pick.

Point Five gained exclusive access to a Democrat planning session as the minority party discussed how to bitterly oppose the nominee, who most at the meeting described as "very well qualified" and "an extremely nice guy."

"Outrageous!" said one top Democrat operative. "The Chimp has a lot of nerve nominating Roberts, who we have very little against. Injecting that kind of twisted moderation into a politically charged environment like a judiciary battle is just another reason for us to oppose Bush and his cronies."

Chuck Schumer pressed hard his "won't answer questions" line of attack, but most at the meeting thought that Roberts refusal to answer questions such as "What is my favorite color?" and "What famous actress am I picturing right now?" didn't rise to the level of hysteria neccessary to block the nomination.

Linda Huron, who represented abortion-rights organization NARAL at the planning session, said, "Abortion. Abortion, abortion, abortion. Abortion abortion. Abortion abortion. Abortion!"

As much as all present agreed with her input, it was decided that her elaborate plan was perhaps a little too narrowly focused to "capture the imagination of the American people."

However, the dour mood changed to elation when Sen. Ted Kennedy, in an act of extreme selflessness, bravely offered up his own record to replace Roberts' in the confirmation battle. After which, all assembled seemed to agree that the fight had taken on a new life.

The Democrats have decided to attack Roberts on the following points:

Roberts was kicked out of Harvard for cheating.
Roberts is ranked second on the Book of Lists "Most Dangerous Clowns"
Roberts is a raging alcoholic whose slurred speech and reckless rhetoric makes him ill-suited for the court.

When Point Five asked about the difficult of changing a lifetime's worth of records for the two men, we were met with a blank stare. "Changing whaaa?"

Get The Real Story:Linked on Mudville and OTB

Gynecologists React to Tancredo's "Nuke Mecca"

2005-07-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

After Congressman Tom Tancredo stated on Florida talk radio that he thought an appropriate response to another attack against America might be to nuke Mecca, gynecologists are reporting record levels of new pregnancy among their red-state clients. It is believed that the thought of nuking Muslims sends the average conservative voter into a frenzy of sexual passion that cannot be contained.

Social scientists use this device to gauge sexual reaction to various stimuli. Images of violence against Muslims send most conservatives off the scale.

"We're not quite ready to say that definitively," said Dr. Marvin Lamstein, a Miami OB/GYN. "But there's clearly a trend. Our data show an almost exact red state/blue state overlay."

Linda Stevens, of Peace Action Now!, was happy to offer her opinion. "It's all about conservatives repressing their sexuality, so it comes back out as violence. So when Tom Tancredo starts talking about nuking a bunch of innocent Saudis, everybody in Jesusland gets horny. It's sick."

"We're not repressed," said Syd Olanski, lead guitarist with the Christian rock group Guns 'N' Marital Love, stroking the barrel of his Glock M-22 .40 S&W. "There is nothing more exciting than the committed love between one man and one woman, performing the unitive act in the sanctity of their conjugal bed. Not two men together. Not two women. Not two men and one woman. Not three women and one man. Not two guys, two girls, a domination trapeeze and an oiled chihuahua.... Excuse me, I need to get to the shooting range."

The Point Five editorial board sent out our cub reporter, Jimmy Jacobs, to investigate. As usual, Jimmy was reluctant to help our with our little experiment, but he is easily intimidated and eventually relented.

Jimmy took a set of graphically sexually explicit flash cards into a deeply 'red' neighborhood to gauge the reactions of typical conservative Americans. After knocking on hundreds of doors and confronting whomever answered with a randomly selected card, Jimmy returned with his fascinating results.

By far the most popular response was 'Punch in the mouth', at 47%.
'Groin kick' came in a distant, but respectable second at 26%.
'Door slammed on fingers' occurred at a rate of 14%.
'What the hell are you showing to my daughter' weighed in at 12%.
'Mmmm... who are you, little boy?' yielded just one response, from a 73-year-old Marlon Tucker, who followed Jimmy back to the Point Five offices and had to be escorted out by police.

Jimmy refused to return to the neighborhood with a set of flashcard depicting various high-caliber weapons, but we're certain the results would have been very different.

Get The Real Story:I suppose the real question is whether we are in the War On Terror, or in a prolonged attempt to avoid it and perhaps circumvent it. Daffyd at Captain's Quarters analyzes, Hugh Hewitt wants an apology,
LaShawn says its a kerfuffle and defends, Jawa Report is asking for feedback.

Bush Vows That Plame Controversy Won't Humiliate MSM

2005-07-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

President Bush today promised reporters that their relentless harping on Karl Rove in connection with the leak of the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame would not end up making them look like fools.

Speaking at a press conference with Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, he reassured reporters that unlike stories relating to the TANG memos, Koran desecrations at Guantanamo Bay, the Downing Street Memo, the Iraq-Al Qaeda connection, "the abortion," John Kerry's supposed intellectual superiority, "the sole justification for the war," or the Al Qaqaa munitions dump, this controversy is not likely to fizzle or backfire upon them.

He invited members of the press to continue their attacks, saying "nucular" three times in a row just to remind them how far superior they were to the Most Powerful Man on Earth.

He also reiterated his promise to fire anyone guilty of committing a crime in the Plame case, which quickly cleared the room as reporters rushed out to file reports on what they believed was a 'gotcha' moment for Karl Rove. One reporter leaving the news conference was overheard wondering out loud, "could there be anyone stupider than Bush?"

Get The Real Story:
Linked at Mudville , OTB, MVRWC.

NY Times Demands Miller Be Transferred to Gitmo

2005-07-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

As Judith Miller begins her second week in a Virginia jail, NY Times Executive Editor Bill Keller said Monday that "the food has not agreed with her and we have been trying to impress on her that she needs to eat. We have been hammering that in."

He is joining an angry chorus of supporters who are demanding that Miller be transferred to the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, where her delicate temperament will be better served.

"Judith is especially partial to Baked Tandouri Chicken Breast, Mustard-Dill Baked Fish, Lyonnaise Rice, and Fish Amandine. The grey-green slop offered in Virginia just doesn't compare."

Also concerning her supporters is the hip-hop and rap music videos normally played on the prison television. "Judith would much prefer the individual video screens offered at Gitmo."

As a reporter for the NY Times, Keller believes Miller is "uniquely suited" to being classified as an "unlawful enemy combatant," which would qualify her for a trip to the Cuban detention facility.

"We believe that Judith would quickly learn the techniques of spitting, feces-throwing and holy-book desecration that is common among prisoners at Gitmo. You only need to look as far as her writing to see that."

As to being splashed with urine through an air vent, Miller said, "Judith never brings her personal life to the office."

Video Image of Roman Polanski To Be Extradited

2005-07-18T06:52:00.000-07:00

A shocking surprise disrupted a London courtroom on Monday, as British police stormed the chambers and made an unexpected arrest.

Claimant Roman Polanski was using video link technology to testify in London while remaining safely in Paris in his libel case against Vanity Fair, over the magazine's allegations that the director seduced a woman on the way to his murdered wife's funeral in 1968.

But British police were able to seize the video monitor containing the image of Roman Polanski, and are now preparing to extradite it to the United States, from where Polanski fled after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl.

The monitor will soon be on a flight to the US, escorted by armed officers, to begin serving the sentence that Polanski fled in 1977.

"Imagine turning on your computer, and instead of the Carribean island wallpaper you had on your desktop, there's nothing but the cold walls of a prison cell behind your program icons. Well, Polanski's going to be staring at that image for a long time."

It is not known whether the incarceration of Polanksi's image will affect him in other media, such as television or print. As interview requests have poured in, his attorney's have offered no comment.

One thing is for sure, the 13-year-old girl known only as 'CuteMonica' in the 'Horny Teens' chat room on TeenSpot is going to have to find a new 'FranticMan.'

Working On The New Site

2005-07-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry, no time for content this morning. Working on the new site, which we hope to get up and running sometime in the coming week. Problem is, our plans keep getting more elaborate and byzantine. We'll probably have to do a gradual phase-in of our more elaborate plans (in other words, "give up").

In the mean time, visit these sites and give them a little extra traffic. (Every visitor counts. And that's about what I'm offering. A visitor. So since you're the only one, how about getting on board, eh?)

Doug at Waking Ambrose tries audioblogging. I read the story, but I'm determined to listen to the audioblog before I comment over there. Probably won't get to it 'til late tonight. Why don't you beat me to it?

Dymphna has a little fun with the word Undermining.

Patriot Xeno offers an excerpt from the Book of Xeno.

Dr. Phat Tony continues a story that he started sometime during the middle ages.

Conservative UAW Guy has access to a really big gun.

Another week in the can. Point Five Out.

Nuclear Experts Calm Fears Over China Threats

2005-07-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

American nuclear scientists gathered today in an amazing show of solidarity to calm fears, after China's chilling threat to use a nuclear strike against the United States.

Gen Zsu of the People's Republic of China said in a speech on Thursday:

We . . . will prepare ourselves for the destruction of all of the cities east of Xian. Of course the Americans will have to be prepared that hundreds . . . of cities will be destroyed by the Chinese.

The truck mounted WO-13 "Fragrant Triple Green Jade with Multiple Warhead" nuclear missile

Gen Zhu was chosen to speak for the Chinese because they believe his name will "strike fear into ordinary Americans," based on their research into the American psyche via extensive study of comic book villians. Zhu is a self-acknowledged "nutjob filthy commie" who has warned that China could strike the US with long-range missiles.

But America's nuclear scientists have struck back with hard science.

"The nuclear strike against us would seem fearsome at first," said Dr. Roland McNurtry. "But it is well-known that Chinese radioactivity leaves the ecosystem within just a few hours. No matter how full our soil and rivers seem with deadly fallout, we would find ourselves ready to absorb another strike long before our next meal."

Scientists believe that the unique admixtures and methods of preparation of Chinese nuclear devices may have something to do with their short-lived potency. "We expect a level of general discomfort lasting from 30-45 minutes for the average American."

He noted however that some sensitive individuals might find themselves with a mighty headache. He said his group was recommending a large scale MSG detection network to help alleviate this danger.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Wizbang, Mudville

On The Space Shuttle Launch Delay

2005-07-15T07:48:00.000-07:00

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

OTHER INSIGHTS BY STEPHEN HAWKING:
On The Bombing Of London
On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1
On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes

Moral Debate: Procedure Makes Monkeys More Human

2005-07-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

The insertion of human stem cells into monkey brains runs a "real risk" of altering the animals' abilities in ways that might make them more like us, scientists said today.

The research has set off a debate among medical ethicists over where the boundaries of their research should lie, and forced them to ask questions about when science has gone too far.

"Does this cage make me look fat?"

Already, the monkeys receiving human brain cells in the study have gone from curious, fun-loving creatures, to weight-obsessed, television-addicted blowhards with an almost insatiable hunger for internet porn. Most of their vocalizations have been centering around the relative merits of various Ipod playlists. They refuse to eat their regular diet of bananas and leafy greens unless they are certified organic, and several have begun a macrobiotic diet intended to "purge the system of toxins."

Worse, when one of the researchers dropped a cell phone in the enclosure, the monkeys refused to give it back, and instead yell loudly into it on an almost continual basis.

The final straw for the scientists was when the monkeys grabbed clipboards and labcoats and started studying them.

"We've learned that for the most part, monkeys are assholes," said Dr. Marlon Briggs, head of the research team. Dr. Briggs claims that he was purposefully left off the invitation list to a party held last Friday at one of the more popular monkey's cages. "Tinkerbell thinks she's hot s**t just because she slept with Grayback," said Dr. Briggs, "but wait until she finds out that Lucy spent Tuesday night in Grayback's cage. Bitch."

Although some scientists expressed concern that these genetically enhanced monkeys might take over the world, the researchers involved in the study were not worried. "They've begun forming rudimentary political parties. This not only gives them an appropriate outlet for their legendary feces throwing, but also assures complete gridlock in any planning for world domination."

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Pope Condemns Harry Potter

2005-07-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

Pope Benedict XVI, in a just published letter that was written before he became the 265th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, criticized the Harry Potter children's novels, calling the books "subtle seductions that... have a deep effect and corrupt the Christian faith in souls even before it could properly grow."

His comments have sparked an uproar among Harry Potter fans.

"This attack against us cannot be tolerated. We are not a bunch of crazed Satan worshippers," said a woman who identified herself as Morning Autumn, as she proceeded through the intricate rituals necessary to place a curse on Pope Benedict. She was part of a large crowd of dorks congregated around a downtown Seattle bookstore, awaiting the Friday release of the 6th book in the Harry Potter series, entitled Harry Potter and the Late Onset Acne.

The furor has forced the Pope to clarify his statements to indicate that his main objection to the books is not "the charming witchcraft and wizardry," but that Harry Potter is "too racially impure". The Pope, however has said that his opposition has nothing to do with the he time spent in the Hitler Youth, involvement that was entirely coerced, and "just one of those crazy things we German youth were doing at the time."

"Zis Harry Potter. He is black hair and green eyes. Much better would be the blonde hair and blue eyes," the Pope said through his spokesman.

The Vatican provided this photoshopped picture to Point Five, with a note from Benedict XVI saying, "I like the unique scar on Harry Potter's forehead, but I felt it was backwards, and there should be two of them."

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Administration Meltdown Over Rehnquist Replacement

2005-07-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

Top sources have revealed that open war has broken out within the Bush administration over the replacement for SCOTUS Chief Justice William Rehnquist, whose retirement is being widely discussed in the wake of his hospitalization yesterday.

Administration officials ask what is most essential in a potential justice, age or race?

Although still mum on his future on the court, it is widely believed that Rehnquist will step down in time for a new Chief Justice to be confirmed for the court's next session.

But within the administration, hard lines have been drawn from different factions over what sort of man should replace the ailing Chief.

"We have to replace a Scandinavian with another Scandinavian," says a top advisor to the President, who is leading the charge for Michael Luttig, whose Scandinavian-sounding name brings solid Norse credentials.

But an equally vocal faction has arisen that believes that it is most appropriate to appoint an octogenarian, ailing man to replace the octogenarian, ailing Rehnquist. "You replace a Thurgood Marshall with a Clarence Thomas, if you know what I mean. And while the American people don't want to hear words like 'quotas,' we feel that they'll be most comfortable with a justice who will wear a cap and walk with a cane."

That camp is supporting actor Charlton Heston, born just three days after Rehnquist on October 4, 1924, who they believe will be amenable to cap-wearing and cane-assisted walking.

The Heston group was pleasantly surprised when informed by Point Five of Heston's strident support of gun rights, but disappointed by our further explanation that he was suffering from advanced Alzheimer's. Still, they remained undaunted.

One thing both sides could agree upon. They weren't going to let judicial philosophy or temperament get in the way of the selection of a racially and age appropriate replacement for the court.

Get The Real Story:

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Basil's Blog, Beltway Traffic Jam.

Drudge To Replace Flashing Siren With Fluorescent

2005-07-14T07:15:00.000-07:00

The millions of people who visit The Drudge Report daily may notice something a little different this summer.

As state demand for electricity overwhelms the aging power grid, electric utilities throughout California are preparing for the typical summer routine of threatened rolling brown-outs. As usual, they are asking companies throughout the state to conserve power.

Matt Drudge, now based in Florida but still retaining ties, and fondness, for his former home in California, has answered the call, redesigning the famous "flashing siren" for breaking news with an energy-smart fluorescent version.

"Fluorescent lighting is 3 times more energy efficient than a standard incandescent bulb. With an average of 9.3 million page views daily, were talking about savings of... well, probably a lot."

UPDATE: It must be Drudge Day in satireland. The Therapist has more Drudge news. Linked on Mudville Gazette.

Shuttle Falls to Last Place In JD Power Quality Survey

2005-07-13T07:01:00.000-07:00

An embarrasing setback occurred yesterday for NASA technicians readying the shuttle Discovery for launch when a temporary window covering fell off, damaging some of the heat-resistant tiles on the tail. Although quickly repaired, the mishap caps a long series of setbacks and problems for the aging shuttle fleet.

The shuttle falls below the dreadful Mercedes E-Class in initial quality

Now comes word that the prestigious JD Power Inital Quality Survey has ranked the shuttle dead last, below such problem-causers as the Mercedes-Benz E Class and the Nissan Quest.

"This is a real black eye for NASA," said Waylon Post, a science writer with the Houston Press-Examiner. "They've been working overtime to create the first truly non-exploding shuttle, but even just sitting still on the launch platform, the thing seems to have an innate desire to come apart."

Besides the temporary window problem, JD Power cites frequently problematic toilets, lackluster braking, poorly designed driver instrumentation, and frequent disintegration, as among the shuttle's problems.

NASA, for their part, has tried to quell public fears by completely redesigning many of the systems on the aging shuttle fleet, and by replacing the crew of trained astronauts with the cast of Bravo's Being Bobby Brown.

"If there is to be a problem on this mission, we're trying to make sure there's an upside in the tragedy. Nobody wants to see astronauts die."

Still, the general concensus was that "the exploration of space must go on," although it was unclear what new insights the low-earth orbit reachable by the shuttle could offer.

Tasks on this mission include testing to see if bananas still peel into three strips in reduced gravity, and several days of photography contracted by Google Maps.

Get The Real Story:

Linked on Mudville , Basil's, and Outside The Beltway.

Computers Revolutionize Classrooms in Unexpected Ways

2005-07-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

An Arizona high school has announced its intent to begin a move to an all electronic curriculum. Students will not have ordinary textbooks but will instead be given wireless laptop computers.

The program's proponents stated that the new $2000-a-piece laptops will give students the edge in an increasingly digital world, allowing them unique opportunities to go head-to-head with friends in Unreal Tournament 2004.

"How are students going to learn in the oppressive book and paper school environment that we have today? These students need the important skills that the 21st century workplace demands, like being able to instant message friends and participate in cyber sex without getting caught by the boss."

But opponents of the plan are skeptical. "We're concerned about our children spending all their school time playing Unreal Tournament. Half-Life 2 is much better," said Jason Holbrook, a concerned parent. Mr. Holbrook is widely regarded among his co-workers as the finest Half-Life 2 player at Roland & Jacobs, a top Phoenix accounting firm.

Students explore exciting new avenues of learning with their laptop computers. Extra credit is given for visits to blogs sounding like "Foint Pive".

Parental concerns aside, students are strongly in the support of the plan, as George Peterson, a 11th grade student at Jefferson High, said as he hacked into the military simulation computer WOPR to play a game of Global Thermonuclear War from his sparkling new laptop. "I call him Joshua," Peterson said of his computer opponent. "And yes, I would like to play a game."

However, the laptops are not toys, said Jeff Gumman, the principal at the high school. "We expect the students to not slack off. Only essential tasks, such as hacking CollegeBoard, or checking the current time in Iceland, are allowed".

Officials are reassuring the state government that the cost for the project will be manageable, and not "completely and totally economically crippling." That reassurance was enough for the endorsement of the teacher's union, who didn't want their particular area of expertise infringed upon.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Outside The Beltway and Basil's

Stunning Shift In WOT As Liberals Join The Cause

2005-07-12T07:19:00.000-07:00

A dramatic shift in the attitudes of New Yorkers toward the war on terror now shows broad support for the policies of the Bush Administration.

The tipping point was reached just days ago, as cellular service was cut off in the four tunnels leading to Manhattan.

"I felt trapped, like I was suffocating. Like the tunnel would be my coffin."

"Today, it finally hit home," said Joshua Brinkman, an executive V.P. in an actuary firm and frequent contributor to liberal causes. His driver frequently uses the tunnels to get him onto the island, and he describes "being cut off, mid-sentence," during a call to his wife. Several harrowing minutes passed before he was able to re-establish contact.

"I had a lot of time to think in that tunnel," Brinkman said. "I thought about my wife, my little baby girl. I work in mid-town, so I guess it didn't really seem real on 9/11. But today, just like that, my connection dropped. I guess I never really thought it would happen to me."

Brinkman paused for a long time before describing the feeling of his cell phone service dropping as being similar to "jumping off the 101st floor of a building just to get away from the searing heat of the melting steel."

Brinkman, like many of the Manhattanites to whom Point Five spoke, showed a new interest in voting Republican. "I'm definitely going to give conservatives a look. As long as they're pro-abortion and gay marriage, and don't talk about all that silly Christian stuff, I think I'll be looking for the 'R' the next time I'm in the voting booth."

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Mudville Gazette, Basil's and The Jawa Report.

Bonfire Of The Vanities #106

2005-07-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

The Bonfire rages over at File It Under. Like always, it was difficult for the editorial board at Point Five to settle on a single post to submit, but after plugging the bloody noses at the end of the board meeting, we finally settled on one.

And we even made the top "Trainwreck" category!

Anyway, visit and suffer.

Earthworm Porn

2005-07-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

There's nothing you can't find on the internet. Here's a little something for our earthworm readers to enjoy.

Kate: Barely Legal

Hot hermaphrodite action

Worms Gone Wild

Linked on Mudville Gazette and OTB.

London Blast Timing Indicates New Terror Threat

2005-07-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

London police have corrected initial claims, and reported that the three subway blasts on 7/7 were detonated within the span of a single minute. They explained that this sort of coordination reveals a deadly new capability on the part of Al-Qaeda terrorists.

"We're not very optimistic at this point," said John Warner, with the team investigating the tactical specifics of the attacks. "I think this conclusively proves that the terrorists have learned to read what we refer to on a clock as the 'big hand.' This is a whole new capability we were afraid they would acquire."

Warner believes this puts the advancement of the Arab world to at least the 1200s. "At that point, its just a matter of time before they have the printing press [1450]. My goodness, can the flush toilet [1500] be far behind?"

And then Warner added ominously, "And if they have learned to read the second hand, we're talking about an advancement to at least 1657."

But technology consultant Rick Nathans was more circumspect. "There are other explanations beyond the acquisition of 'big hand' technology. My group is attempting to show that the attacks may have been coordinated with their innate Muslim 'call to prayer' urge."

Still, everyone contacted for this article expressed one consistent fear: that the terrorists might acquire a so-called "Suitcase Nuke."

"If they acquire a suitcase nuke, we fear they could stuff it full of stone tools or primitive speartips of cast bronze. Also, it's small enough to allow them to attack and beat innocent civilians with its heavy metal case. And it is certainly sturdy enough to crack open nuts, or use as a step stool. There's really no telling what these people are capable of."

Get The Real Story:
Linked at Mudville, Beth's and Basil's

Yeah, Okay. Happy 3rd Blogiversary Frank J.

2005-07-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

Well, so Frank J wants everybody to link to him since it's three years since the very first post on IMAO. Oh, and did he tell you he just came back from helping the homeless? Oh, and he's about to get married and he really needs all the money he can get. But what he really wants is to be voted just a little bit higher over at Podcast Alley. Now is that really too much to ask?

Jeez, is there anybody more craven for links than Frank J? I thought I was a maniac checking over at TTLB (whenever I get the 'Server Busy' screen I'm convinced it's because N.Z. Bear is punishing me for looking too often), but compared to Frank J, I'm a piker.

Well, here's your link, Frank. I guess I owe it to you since I've sponged so much traffic off you via the Carnival of Comedy.

Anyway, I'm off to haloscan to trackback to Frank's post. Gotta get me some linky action.

Bush Eyes Magic 8 Ball To Replace O'Connor

2005-07-09T06:10:00.000-07:00

As speculation and high drama swirls around a possible second vacancy on the Supreme Court, Senate Democrats reasserted demands that President Bush stay away from so-called "extreme right-wing" conservative nominees. "If he is true to his promise, he will use Justice O'Connor as a role model," said Senator Barbara Boxer.

Magic 8 Ball has maneuvered ahead of Ouija Board in the battle for the Supreme Court

The buzz inside the beltway is that the President has taken the call seriously, and in the name of bi-partisanship, has rejected names like Garza, Brown and Luttig. The name that has quickly moved to the very top of the short list has suddenly become "Magic 8 Ball."

The Magic 8 Ball has a distinguished, but mixed, judicial record. Often accused of inconsistency, the ball's views on many hot-button topics such as abortion and property-rights have been described by supporters as balanced and fair, but by detractors as inscrutable.

So, will Bush choose the Magic 8 Ball to replace O'Connor?

Signs point to Yes.

Get The Real Story:

Linked at MVRWC, Mudville, OTB.

On The Bombing Of London

2005-07-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

OTHER INSIGHTS BY STEPHEN HAWKING:
On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1
On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes
On The Plausibility of the Science of Star Wars

Galloway: British Response Is Root Cause of Attacks

2005-07-08T06:13:00.000-07:00

George Galloway angrily blamed England's upcoming response to the 7/7 attacks as the root cause of the 7/7 attacks, which killed more than 50 and virtually shut down the city of London yesterday.

George Galloway, in a rare moment when the sun hits his face.

"Just as the root causes of America's 9/11 can only be understood in the context of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, so too will we discover that England's forceful response to 7/7 has created the conditions which led to the blasts that killed so many of our countryman."

A spokesman for Galloway explained that the outspoken critic of the Blair government had recently rented the 1985 film Back to The Future, and somewhere during the last 15 minutes, "had a revelation."

It is believed that contributing to his revelation may have been a semi-euphoric state associated with severe hypoxia, brought on by having his head so deeply planted within his own ass.

Get The Real Story:

Wizbang has the story, Michelle Malkin has Hitchens response. Linked On OTB and Mudville.

5 Moderate Muslim Clerics Speak Out

2005-07-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

We at Point Five thought it would be instructive to invite five different voices of moderation from the Muslim community to denounce the bombings in London. Here are their responses:

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We'd like to thank everyone who participated. We're sorry we couldn't reproduce more, but the response was simply too overwhelming.

Thanks to Mudville , basil's and OTB.

G8 Protester Among Dead in London Blasts

2005-07-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

Just hours after a series of attacks rocked London, killing ~~at least forty~~ 37 40 and injuring more than ~~300~~ 700, the body of a Crystal Pennings was found among the dead. Ms. Pennings, a member of Peace and Freedom United, was on her way to a protest of the G8 Summit, carrying seventeen cardboard signs that blamed the war in Iraq for Islamic terrorism.

Nick Baker, a spokesman for Peace and Freedom United, mourned the lost signs and wondered how they would be replaced. "Our protest is in under an hour, and that was our complete collection of anti-Iraq signs," he said. The group is now faced with the dilemma of whether or not to protest using their remaining collection of much older signs, which blame the war in Afganistan for terrorism, Israeli occupation of Palestine for terrorism, and US troops in Saudi Arabia for terrorism.

"She's dead because of Bush and Blair," said Baker.

Margaret Banks, through the collapse of a strange quantum superposition, survived the blast.

Prof. Lionel Horquist of Oxford University agrees. Using advanced computer modeling, he determined that if not for the Iraq war, Crystal Pennings would have survived. The blast would have instead killed Margaret Banks, who was riding on the bus one stop behind the one that blew up, on her way to visit cancer patients at the local hospital where she volunteers.

His calculations show that with no Iraq war, the terror cell of "The Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe" would have required three more minutes to prepare their press release, shifting the homicide bombers one bus back in the schedule. The bombings would have been precipitated not by the coalition invasion of Iraq, but instead by the aforementioned US troops on Saudi soil, or hegemony, or just because we looked at them funny.

Which has left Mrs. Banks in a peculiar position, finding herself in a bubble of borrowed time thanks to the little ripples of chaos theory. "I supported the war, so I kind of feel like this is my fault," she said.

Prof. Lionel Horquist concurs, "She absolutely bears responsibility. I always instruct my students to confront evil with passivity and understanding. True innocence comes only through victimhood, and the purity of victimhood comes only by never taking a stand."

Get The Real Story:

I'm not tracking back on this. Still, if you don't get that satire is deadly serious, you don't get it. Michelle Malkin has multiple posts up, Wretchard has analysis. Wizbangis actively updating. Captain Ed says we are all Britons today. And beautiful righteous anger from Citizen Grim and Patriot Xeno.

MINDSTATION'S ELEVEN: Episode 1- Shrine of the Kuo-Toa

2005-07-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

No time to elaborate, but due to a certain amount of insolence in the comments of my last post, a4g is out as leader of the team. I have assumed command. a4g's spot will be filled by Subway spokesman Jared Fogle.

Jared Fogle
Occupation: Subway Spokesman
Specialty: Subs
Pros: Always carries a spare pair of XXL pants.
Cons: All ideas involve the New Fresh Toasted Subs from Subway.

Many readers have e-mailed me asking when our great work of satire will be completed. But events far more important have pulled us from our task.

Yesterday, a sea lion attacked a lifeguard in Santa Barbara, CA. Seen as an isolated event, no cause for concern. But my subtle mental powers realized this was only one in a series of incidents where the benign creatures of the deep have turned against their surface dwelling masters.

Clearly, malevolent forces were at work.

It was Koko's wild and frantic hand motions that identified the only nefarious villain capable of perpetrating such a heinous act: My arch-enemy, Dr. Oceanus.

The dreaded Kuo-Toa, evil minions of Dr. Oceanus.

Professor Hawking was generous enough to supply us with the background data necessary to fight off Dr. Oceanus' hordes of Kuo-Toa minions. These horrid creatures would be fearsome enough even without their Armor Class of 4.

I have emailed Tom Clancy to make the necessary plans for our attack on Dr. Oceanus' underwater fortress. I have confidence that, although he has not yet responded to any of my previous communications, he will provide us with a plan bordering on pure genius.

In order to give the newest member of Mindstation's Eleven some much-needed field experience, I have sent Jared to procure our underwater transports to Dr. Oceanus' stronghold due to his specialty in submarines.

We will be leaving shortly on this most dangerous mission. I hope that in the event that I do not return, Point Five will be able to continue without my masterful talents.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

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UPDATE: I am posting from the high seas. I have emailed Tom Clancy with the rendezvous point. I am confident that he will arrive in time with the battle plans.

In a few hours Mindstation's Eleven will be locked in mortal combat with these evil denizens of the deep

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UPDATE 2: I'm back safely in the Palace of Ultimate Evil. All the members of Mindstation's Eleven would like to extend our sincere gratitude to Patriot Xeno and Citizen Grim for rescuing us from prison block 13C of the nightmare fortress of Dr. Oceanus.

PGHA: Iraq Exit Strategy

2005-07-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

Every week the Point Five editorial board vows to complete the Precision Guided Humor Assignment, and every week we are confounded by their neo-luddite Eastern Time Zone deadline. It's not that we can't come up with a good idea until three days later... really!

But we recieved a letter from our very own site troll, fudgesicle, that we felt might do the job.

An Exit Strategy

By fudgesicle

As regular readers of this blog well know, I have advocated withdrawal from Iraq since before the invasion began. I and my partner Lance do not condone sending America's men to die in some far-off desert. I almost piss myself (and sometimes Lance) whenever I see the ghastly green glow of BDA videos on Fox

I remember watching the Saddam statue being pulled down two years ago, unable to stop myself from crying "Look out!" to the poor assembled Iraqis who were about to be crushed by falling bronze. For me, that was one of the most horrifying images of the war. (But as an interesting aside, I did learn after a few indignant phone calls that OSHA doesn't have jurisdiction over foreign war zones.)

I've been thinking long and hard (Lance made me leave that in) about how we can possibly get ourselves out of the nightmare quagmire that is Iraq. Even your Marines have not been able to get the job done. We need a way to unite the scary gung-ho right with my own beloved peace-loving left.

I hate the war because so many innocents have died, but I can see now that it is a lost cause, so it's time to wipe the Iraqis off the map so we can move on as a nation. It's time to teach you on the right a little thing we on the left know a little something about: mass murder.

Now I know you killed all the Nazis, and starved out the Stalinists, but we still have a little trick up our sleeves.

We can call up the reserves from the most powerful killing weapon in the US arsenal, and the only one that we on the left will unquestioningly support: the United States 113th Abortion-Doctor Uterine Assault Brigade.

Your Marines' kill rate is at best 100:1.
The 113th AUAB's kill rate is 40,000,000:7.

Now I know that sending our rare, safe, and legal abortion providers will cause many hardships for many of my friends. I know that vacations will have to be delayed until the off-season-- yes, perhaps even cancelled. There will be nail appointments missed, and the horrid sound of braying babies may interrupt Lance and my conversations at the mall-- perhaps even in restaurants. But desperate times call for desperate measures. (Lance once got a girl pregnant-- I don't even want to start with that story-- so I know all about this.)

Armed with scissors and suction devices, our studly 113th will tear through Iraq like a rare, safe and legal plague. Iraqis will line the streets, bodies mutilated and brains sucked dry. But those of you with weak stomachs needn't worry -- the great thing about abortion doctors is that no reporter will record even so much as an insinuation of the blood shed onto Iraqi streets. For us here at home, it will be like it never happened.

I am hopeful that the 113th will get the job done in less than 9 months. It will be a jubilant day when they return, and America's women line up in "Victory Lines" waiting for their late-term partial birth abortions to rid themselves of the 'pregnancy tissue' that would otherwise force them to confront their meaningless materialistic existences.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Now I've got to go take care of Lance, because he said he like a little of my two scents.

Isn't he bad?

Now go visit the rest of the PGHA entries this week. You won't be disappointed!

Egyptian's Kidnapping Signals Zarqawi Wants Judgeship

2005-07-06T05:30:00.000-07:00

Muslim is turning against muslim in a war of words and beheadings that threatens to open a new, deadly chapter in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

A dramatic shift in tactics by Al-Qaida in Iraq has precipitated the kidnapping of the top Egyptian envoy in Iraq, as well as attacks against two other Arab diplomats in just the last three days. A Web statement Tuesday claimed responsibility in the name of Al-Qaida in Iraq for the kidnapping of Egyptian diplomat Ihad al-Sherif.

"...therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them..."

While some have speculated this is a sign of growing desperation on the part of foreign terrorists operating within Iraq, Point Five has learned that the terrorist group is angry over al-Sherif's description of them as Islamic "Strict Constructionists" versus their preferred self-description, "Originalists."

In a videotaped statement broadcast by Al-Jazeera, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi denounced the term "Constructionist" as anti-Islam hate speech. "Construction is for infidel American contractors! There is no place in Islam for Construction! We are Originalists, following in the model of the Prophet!"

It is believed that Zarqawi is carefully grooming his image in hopes of being nominated to a judgeship on the new Iraqi Supreme Judicial Court. Since last year, he began releasing a series of promotional beheading videos highlighting his firm grasp of Islamic law.

"He's definitely brings strong credentials for his work in beheading," said Abu Al-Agca, a diplomat within the new Iraqi government. "But he lacks the roundedness that we are looking for in a Supreme Judicial Court nominee. We have not seen any serious work on his part in stoning, hand-chopping, or honor killing. Without these, I don't see how he could be considered a serious contender."

But Zarqawi seems undaunted, ordering those under his command to continue the suicide bombings which have plagued Iraq for over a year. A tactic which Al-Agca denounces as squarely at odds with Zarqawi's intent.

"The idea that a future judge would be engaged in the wholesale massacre of fellow Arabs just shows Zarqawi's tragic ignorance. The place of a Islamic judge is to order killings in ones and twos. In Iraq, the kind of mass slaughter in which he engages is traditionally reserved for the executive branch."

Get The Real Story:

Jawa Report comments, open posted on Mudville Gazette, basil's blog, and OTB. UPDATE: Captain Ed reports the f**king animals have executed al-Sherif. Damn I want these people dead. My fuse grows shorter every day with the caterwauling of the left.

"The Day Of Two Carnivals"

2005-07-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

Weird rumblings throughout the Blogokleinbottle as the Bonfire of the Vanities and the Carnival of the Vanities are posted on the same day. Creepy.

Time Struggles to Produce Notes for Court Deadline

2005-07-06T04:51:00.000-07:00

After the Supreme Court refused to hear the appeal brought by reporters Matthew Cooper and Judith Miller, legal teams are struggling to find legal ways to extend their case. The two have been subpoened by a grand jury investigating the famous leak which outed CIA operative Valerie Plame.

Asked to reveal their sources, the pair is now stuck with a journalist's worst ethical nightmare: produce notes containing the identity of a confidential source, or face jail.

"We're reporters!" said Mr. Cooper. "Our notes are held in sacred trust. And I can't very well tell the court my 'meticulous research' and 'careful sourcing' was just a pile of crumpled electric bills and credit card offers shoved into a manila folder."
Now, teams of reporters from both Time and the NYT are working around the clock to produce authentic-looking notes that might satisfy the grand jury's request. But for these veteran reporters, trying to create a realistic looking set of "reporter's notes" is uncharted territory.

Arguments have gotten heated in the newsrooms as to what form notes might take, when actually interviewing a real person. Breaking down into two camps, the "Microsoft Word" faction, and the "I retyped them by hand and destroyed the originals" camp, editors are having trouble stifling the growing animosity poisoning their staffs.

The current versions of Cooper and Miller's "reporter's notes" are said to be "breathtakingly authentic" looking.

"Some of these hacks want to photocopy the notes 20 times to artificially age them," said one newsman working on the project. "Why? Why would reporter's notes be degraded?"

But other reporters are just as vehement on the other side. "Listen, when I used to make treasure maps as a kid, there were some foolproof ways to make the thing look authentic. You had to rub it in the dirt, you had to sneak a match from your parents and burn the edges and a couple holes in the middle."

Currently, it appears that the "aging" faction has the upper hand, as the current draft of the notes contain phrases like "Thar be leakes at the CIA" and "Ye olde sourse: Billy Bones".

Get The Real Story:

Waiting for the weigh-ins... Boy, that only took 6 days. Hugh Hewitt has a nice sum-up. Jeff Jarvis asks more questions than he answers, but they're interesting questions. An oldie but a goodie here. Instapundit has a mention. This storey be linked on Mudville and OTB, arrrrgh.

UPDATE: Bump to Top, as I think this story is finally heating up.

BREAKING: Bush SCOTUS Pick to Be Greta Van Susteren

2005-07-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

In the wake of the retirement of Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, as Democrats nervously dread the selection of someone like Brown, and Republicans dread a pick like Gonzales, the buzz in Washington is that President Bush may have already decided on a candidate. According to Point Five's highly place source, Bush will soon nominate Fox News superstar Greta Van Susteren to the nation's highest court. Immediate reaction from both sides of the aisle has been overwhelmingly positive, "brilliant" and "groundbreaking" among the responses we received.

Point Five computerized aging shows how Van Susteren will increase in wisdom on a predictable trajectory.

Van Susteren, an attorney-turned- broadcaster, has consistantly steered clear of controversial political topics that might give Senate Democrats ammunition against her. Instead, she concentrates on courtroom drama and cases such as the Natalee Holloway disappearance to take her to the very top of the cable news ratings.

"She's popular, she's smart, she's got it all," said Larry Roberts, a top DC attorney. "Who knows more about case law than Greta? I mean, Robert Blake, Michael Jackson, Scott Peterson. Who else can bring that to the table?"

Van Susteren promises to bring a new excitement to the normally dour Supreme Court, replacing dry, legalistic cases such as Exxon v. Allapattah with lurid cases of celebrity excess and a compelling docket full of endangered debutantes.

"This is going to be a court like no other. We all know it's only a matter of time before Tom Cruise kills somebody. And then there's near certain meltdowns coming from Lindsay Lohan, Tom Sizemore... and, of course, the always reliable Robert Downey, Jr."

Bush has had his eye on the veteran journalist since On The Record with Greta Van Susteren shot to the top of cable news ratings, and is said to be hoping that some of her startling popularity may rub off on an adminstration beleagered by a less-than-loyal opposition and continuing troubles in Iraq.

"Why fight the American people?" said Bush. "If they're tired of partisan bickering, and want 24 hour coverage of the latest missing white girl, who is Dubya to argue?"

Her ambiguous political views are seen by many as perfect replacement for O'Connor, who's relentless moderation steered the court down a swerving, drunken, middle-splitting path for over a decade.

Justice O'Connor was the first woman to serve on the Supreme Court. It is believe Ms. Susteren will be first justice to only speak out of the corner of her mouth.

Linked on Mudville and OTB.

July 4, 2005

2005-07-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

One of the local real estate agents left this on my doorstep:

Them is purty words, but where is my free universal health care?

Have you ever wondered what happened to the fifty six men who signed the Declaration of Independence? Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the fixty six fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well death would be the cost if captured. Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKean was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their thirteen children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.

Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education.

They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, “we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."

They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!

So, take a few minutes this year while enjoying your 4th of July holiday or any other freedom that comes to mind and silently thank God and these patriots.

I'm damn glad it was them and not us, or we'd still be singing God Save The Queen. I'm going to celebrate the Fourth by NOT lighting off fireworks (illegal in my city). But at least Tax Freedom Day was on April 17th this year, not on July 4th (a hundred years ago it was in JANUARY!).

Oh well, fellow Romans, the public bath and the vomitorium are a hard habit to kick, when one grows soft on the fruits of success.

A Mandatory Boring Entry

2005-07-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

No time to post today, so I present recycled crap with the enticing euphemism: Classic!

In keeping with the spirit of Blogging, this entry will serve as the irratating, disappointing 'this is my pet interest even though it's totally off-topic for the usual content of my blog'-type entry that your favorite blog posts when you want them to talk about the same great stuff they always talk about.

Like how is one little post that takes you like three seconds to scan and ignore still manage to make you so ticked off? I want that three seconds of my life back! I know I usually love your blog and think its great, and its free, and I never have put anything in the tip jar, but you betrayed me. Democrats, middle east, something, please.
But your new plasma TV -- I DON'T CARE!
Your mountain bike -- I DON'T CARE!
How you voted in the Dartmouth Trustee election -- I DON'T CARE!

ENTERTAIN ME FOR FREE, DAMMIT! I'M REALLY TICKED OFF!

So fair warning-- I'm about to waste the three seconds it will take you to figure out you don't want to read this, so don't post any comments about how ticked off YOU are, okay?

So here it is:

From the Heartland Horseshoeing School:

The horse is a noble beast that has no say in what happens to it. Tied by a lead rope, the horse has come under the nippers of many an unskilled horseshoer. This is not acceptable to the horse, to the horses' owner, or the farrier. The horse-owning public is quickly becoming aware that there is a difference between right and wrong. There are no gray areas where this is concerned.

As Americans, we may disagree on many things: on America's place in the world, on the dangers of islamofascism, on the place of the government in our lives. But has a more lyric tribute to the farrier's art ever been made? I think not.

Live 8 a Rousing Success: African Poverty "Solved"

2005-07-03T07:49:00.000-07:00

At the mega-concert Live 8 today, organizers realized the fifty-year goal of replacing the capitalist hegemony which dooms billions to hunger, with pure, hard-driving rock.

"Everything that's rock n roll is ever meant to be is happening now," said Bob Geldof, the event's founder. Live 8 was organized to push political leaders to spend heavily from public coffers on Africa.

"Live 8 has solved all the problems the UN has tried to address. I'll be shuttering Turtle Bay on Tuesday. I sincerely hope the Oil for Food investigations are complete by then."

Bono, lead singer of U2, exclaimed, "This is our moment, this is our time, this is our chance to stand up for what is right. Three thousand Africans, mostly children, die every day of mosquito bites. We can fix that."

Kofi Annan, speaking just after the final notes of Paul McCartney's closing number, declared African poverty "solved."

"Too long have we addressed only the symptoms of Africa's problems," said Annan at a press conference later in the evening. "The musicians of Live 8 have addressed a different set of symptoms. It's this two-pronged approach that ultimately doomed Africa's cycle of hopelessness to its end, which by my reckoning occurred three hours ago."

Across Africa, reaction has been jubilant. In Darfur, impromptu celebrations spread across settlements. Millions of AIDS cases were believed to be spontaneously cured by the rebellious spirit of Rock. Across the continent, Africans were overjoyed that rich Westerners had finally accepted the "White Man's Burden."

Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, on a tour of a prison facility holding hundreds of minority Ndebeles, was said to be especially moved by REM's "Everybody Hurts," noting as he surveyed his surroundings, "It's so true... and it's on my orders."

Madonna, wearing a Kaballah bracelet, summed up the evening best: "Is there any problem in life that can't be solved by doing something that makes you feel good?"

Get The Real Story:

Rob, guest blogging at Wizbang, gets it. Captain Ed notes the schizophrenia at the Times that mirrors the Live 8 participants. The Times mirrors the idealistic Bono, their guest editorialist, the more sober Bob Geldof.

Is there anything more American than open trackbacks? Mudville Gazette.

World's 9th Poorest Man Found in Walton Wreckage

2005-07-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

Crash investigators sifting through the wreckage of WalMart heir John Walton's plane made a gruesome discovery late Friday afternoon. Beneath the fuselage of the lightweight craft, they discovered the body of a middle aged man who was apparently on the ground when the experimental private airplane crashed soon after takeoff on Monday, also taking the life of its pilot, John T. Walton, a philanthropist listed by Forbes as the world's 11th wealthiest man.

Mason Johnson, seen here in happier times.

The remains of the man were identified early this morning by Jackson, Wyoming coroner's department as Mason Johnson, listed by Forbes as the world's 9th poorest man.

Mr. Johnson, an alcoholic and frequent drug abuser, has been on the Forbes list continuously since 1993, dropping out only once in 1998, when he was unable to blow through the $117 winnings from a found lottery ticket on a binge of cheap port wine before the cutoff date of that year's list.

According to Tim Mulgrew, one of the crash investigators, "We believe Mr. Johnson was in some sort of experimental housing unit, which was self-built, and constructed of lightweight materials such as cardboard and canvas, stretched over a lightweight support structure."

"I'll miss him," said Blrahsifidge (it sounded something like that), a friend and sometimes dinner guest of Johnson. "He could spit something fierce."

RELATED: "Happy Face" Sought in Connection with WalMart Death

Linked on Mudville.

On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1

2005-07-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

OTHER INSIGHTS BY STEPHEN HAWKING:
On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes
On The Plausibility of the Science of Star Wars
On The Implications of the Theories of Fredrich Hund

Golden Boy Ahmadinejad Faces Unexpected Scrutiny

2005-07-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

The Iranian government has shown little interest in charges that newly elected president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad participated in the 1979 hostage taking at the US embassy in Teheran. As Washington investigates the claims of former hostages, that they recognize Ahmadinejad from their time in captivity, the Iranian power structure seems to have little concern.

Can't we keep talking about me being a terrorist? My poll numbers are slipping.

Instead, the real controversy forming around Ahmadinejad is rocking the normally smooth transitions of Iranian politics. The Iranian Broadcast Service (IBS) is reporting that new documents have surfaced that show that Ahmadinejad may not have completed a neccessary physical after the release of the 52 American hostages from 444 days of captivity.

"The personal papers of Ahmadinejad's revolutionary commander have recently been made available to IBS," said Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (no relation), an anchor with the television network. "It appears that Ahmadinejad may have been grounded from his hijack-ready status sometime in late 1981, due to failure to complete certain training missions at a terrorist camp in northern Iran."

A spokesman for Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (also no relation), angrily denies the charges, "Pres. Ahmadinejad completed his service to the revolution. He fulfilled all requirements, including capture of Americans, flying several scouting and reconnaisance missions on commercial airlines, actively participating in the stoning of at least seven impure women, and performing the various amputations and torture that go along with the service."

Ahmadinejad is said to be confident that he will be vindicated, and that he will shown to be guilty of only the crimes that got him elected in the first place.

Get The Real Story:

Bill Quick sees it as a message from the Mullahs.

Dipping into the Mudville Gazette and OTB pool once again.

a4g's Eleven

2005-06-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

When, in the depths of primordial time, men crawled up from the mudpits of barbarity and painted the first satirical pictographs onto cave walls, man has searched for the perfect expression of the humorists' art.

To say things have been a little "sub-par" here lately at Point Five would be undeservedly generous. In an effort to break the logjam, with great risk and even greater expense, I, The Evil Emperor Mindstation, am assembling a crack team for one purpose and one purpose only: To create the greatest work of satire ever crafted by man.

My goal is a lofty one. My journey, hard. My actions, illegal. There will be many obstacles in my way. However, I am confident that I can accomplish my goal.

In honor of the blogger who holds the administrative keys to this site, I have dubbed the eight man team, a4g's Eleven.

a4g
Occupation: Professional Dyspeptic
Specialty: Figurehead
Pros: Knows HTML, PHP.
Cons: Uses too much body spray.

The Evil Emperor Mindstation
Occupation: Emperor
Specialty: Jack-booted justice
Pros: Monarch, access to the wealth of the Empire, charming smile.
Cons: Imperial coffers valued at only $27.66, grossly incompetent, easily duped.

Koko
Occupation: Zoo animal
Specialty: Computer hacking
Pros: Able to gain access to nearly any electronic system.
Cons: Easily distracted by bananas, lacks opposable thumbs.

Prof. Stephen Hawking
Occupation: Professor
Specialty: Astrophysics
Pros: Genius-level intelligence, able to gain university funding for almost any project as long as it sounds sciencey.
Cons: Easily distracted by female coeds, famously incontinent.

Lara Croft
Occupation: Star of the video game Tomb Raider
Specialty: Treasure Hunting
Pros: Hot, has pinpoint accuracy with handguns, capable of incredible acrobatic feats, hot.
Cons: As the only female on the team, it would be nice if she were real.

Mr. T
Occupation: Anti-drug activist
Specialty: Bad attitude
Pros: Heartwarming capacity to show pity for fools.
Cons: No matter how much firepower he's provided, he still couldn't hit the broadside of a barn.

Dame Edna
Occupation: Performer
Specialty: Master of disguise
Pros: Expert skills allow him to blend in with almost any crowd.
Cons: All disguises look pretty much like Dame Edna.

Tom Clancy
Occupation: Novelist
Specialty: Strategy and tactics
Pros: Immense knowledge of all things military.
Cons: Never showed up.

We're going deep into unknown comedy territory, and we hope that we will be prepared for whatever challenges lie ahead. I'll update you on our progress when circumstances warrant.

In the meantime, won't you please enjoy the regular helping of crap that we dish out daily?

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

NEXT EPISODE: Mindstation's Eleven: Episode One - Shrine of the Kuo-Toa

John Kerry Counters Bush With Stunning New War Plan

2005-06-29T06:34:00.000-07:00

Get out now, or stay the course?

Stretched too thin, or not enough troops?

Irresolvable quagmire, or salvagable with the right plan?

"To be honest, our Democratic message has been a little muddled," said Senator John Kerry, in an exclusive sit-down with Point Five. "But one thing we all agree on: Timetable. We've got to explicitly set dates for everything everywhere."

Facing seemingly contradictory polling numbers, top Democrats have banded together to lead an effort to take the lead in the war effort, and counter charges that they are merely obstructionists committed to thwarting President Bush even at the price of American defeat. Led by John Kerry, who issued a stinging pre-emptive strike against President Bush's speech last night with his own powerhouse screed from the floor of the Senate, the group is planning on revolutionizing modern warfare.

"If you've ever talked with a liberal, you'll know we're all military experts. We've found a way to turn that expertise into real-world action."

Kerry, showing his grasp of not only cocktail hour, but also the intricacies of strategy, tactics and international diplomacy, has founded a website called "Wikistrategy," where all future US war planning will be worked out using open source principles and distributed intelligence.

"It provides, realtime, a solid timetable for the American people."

Click on the image below for a first-ever peek at John's Kerry's "Wikistrategy."

Get The Real Story:

Captain Ed is analyzing the media reaction to the speech, Jayson at Polipundit has noticed the Schizoprenia

UPDATE: Looks like life is imitating satire yet again. Evidently someone in the DNC reads Point Five.

Linked on Mudville and the Traffic Jam.

"Happy Face" Sought in Connection with WalMart Death

2005-06-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Bump to top

Investigators are seeking the Happy Face in connection with the death of WalMart heir John Walton in a plane crash yesterday. The smiling yellow disembodied head is being described by police only as a "person of interest" at this point in the investigation.

Police believe that beneath the smiling exterior may lie the cold heart of a killer

John T. Walton, a decorated Vietnam veteran and beloved philanthropist, died Monday in the crash of his experimental plane in Jackson, Wyoming. Crash investigator Douglas Whittaker described the plane as "a cheaply-made Chinese knockoff, constructed with inferior materials, with extremely narrow aisles to sausage in customers -- er, passengers."

Police are focusing on the Happy Face after flecks of yellow paint were found around the engine compartment. It is believed that the Happy Face stands to gain a share of the substantial fortune left by Mr. Walton.

The Happy Face's previous run-ins with the law include mainly minor infractions resulting from defacing and knocking over signs and copyright infringement for illegal use of the Zorro mask.

Get The Real Story:

Blackfive has a great tribute to a great man.

UPDATE: Wyoming investigators have issued an all-points-bulletin and released the following photo in connection with the John T Walton tragedy. The suspect is believed to have left the state. Sightings have occurred as far away as California and Florida. The suspect is believed to be extremely dangerous. Police caution DO NOT APPROACH, if you see the suspect, call 911.

DO NOT APPROACH! CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY

Linked on Outside the Beltway, and Mudville Gazette.

NASA to Blow Up Comet "Just Because"

2005-06-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

NASA scientists announced today plans to explode the comet Tempel 1. After admitting that obliterating the comet would serve no scientific purpose, NASA scientist John Berry explained, "You have to understand, we scientists have been working tirelessly for the benefit of mankind for the last 400 years. We all agreed it was time for a break. So we've decided to take a year off from science, and use some of our equipment for some projects we've really been itching to try. We thought it would be cool to see a comet blow up."

NASA artist rendition of Comet Tempel 1 being destroyed, as viewed from space.

Although the plan currently calls for a conventional payload, scientists are discussing the feasibility of nuclear ordinance. The main point of disagreement seems to center around which would make "the most bitchin' explosion".

Dr. Berry also revealed that the recent failed launch of a solar sail spacecraft was purposely caused by scientists. "You know we thought, Hey, we're taking a year off anyway, why put an expensive spacecraft into orbit that no one is going to be around to operate or monitor? So instead we filled the launch vehicle with high explosives and an old Pac-Man machine that Dr. Fenester had in his garage."

He noted that preliminary data indicates that the resulting explosion of the Russian-made rocket was 63.2% "awesome" and 36.8% "gnarly".

White House officials have assured that day-to-day life for most of the public will be unaffected by the absence of the scientists, as the "near-unanimous scientific consensus on global warming" is not scheduled to be overturned by "stunning new evidence" until late 2008.

-The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Welcome readers from the Carnival of the Vanities. If you were moderately amused by this post, we invite you to be moderately amused by other things we have to offer.

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Outside The Beltway, Basil's Blog.

Supremes: "Fear Of Flying" to Replace 10 Commandments

2005-06-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

In a widely expected 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court today banned the display of the 10 Commandments in courtrooms nationwide, replacing them with copies of Erica Jong's groundbreaking novel of sexual liberation, "Fear Of Flying."

Looking to our forefathers to inform our decisions, the Supreme Court studies history and comes up "on top"

"It's been a long struggle," said Dorothy Longmiller, who filed an amicus brief in the case. "But with this decision, the Court is siding with those of us who demand a sexier version of justice than America has been willing to dispense."

Sexy indeed. With the prudish "thou shalt nots" finally expelled from the courtroom, legal observers expect a less sexually repressive experience for litigants and defendants alike.

"The courtroom has always been a place of stiff formality and stern judgement. We're hoping it can blossom into a place where free love can flourish in a consquence-free environment. I'm anticipating that the fleeting glance of what lies beneath the judge's robes is going to become a much less uncommon occurance."

Criticism that rulings from the courts are generally sharply at odds with public opinion was brushed aside. "Octogenarians whose legal foundations were formed in the 1960s and 70s are exactly the kind of people we want preparing us for the future. It's important to let the past inform the present. Just not the distant past."

Get The Real Story:

Links to the decisions at SCOTUSblog,
Michelle Malkin has plenty of links

This Week at the Multiplex

2005-06-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough year for Lindsay Lohan.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Linked over at Beth's place.

Point Five's 10 Phrases That Sound Nasty, But They Aren't

2005-06-25T07:48:00.000-07:00

Today's subject: Cooking.

10. Use a balloon whisk for "whipping your whites."

9. Six inch curved boner.

8. Mise en place -- ooh la la.

7. Put it into the "dutch oven".

6. Season the skillet.

5. Pound the cutlet.

4. Tenderize the breasts.

3. Get all the tasty brown bits from the bottom

2. Pull the neck skin over the opening

and

1. Do you like to lick the spoon?

I GOT ACCEPTED!!!!!!!

2005-06-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

Click on the image to see a bigger version. I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY DID IT!

If you don't know what I'm talking about, visit Wizbang.

Dems Seeking Therapy After Rove Accuses Them of Seeking Therapy

2005-06-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

Phones were ringing off the hook yesterday across Washington, D.C., as Democrat lawmakers desperately sought appointments with their therapists, after Karl Rove's speech in which he said liberals "saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers."

"I bet this speech will make my Xanax stock go up.

"A lot of feelings have been hurt," said one top Washington psychiatrist, who sees several important Democrat lawmakers. "It's important that I help my clients to really listen to Karl. What are his motivations? Why does he hate them? I'm not saying that they have to own his criticism, but they should look within themselves and ask, 'Have I created this?' It's a very healing exercise."

However, not all Democrats have run for cover. Several, such as Senators Chuck Schumer and Hillary Rodham Clinton have responded forcefully to Rove.

"This is war!" said Schumer, "And if Rove wants war, war is what he'll get. We're starting an investigation into Rove's statements, and if the facts are sufficient to prove his guilt beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law, we will strongly consider an indictment."

Get The Real Story:

Outside The Beltway has a nice wrapup, Betsy's Page offers additional insight, Lorie Byrd is all over it.

Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

On The Theory Of Relativity

2005-06-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

OTHER INSIGHTS BY STEPHEN HAWKING:
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes
On The Plausibility of the Science of Star Wars
On The Implications of the Theories of Fredrich Hund
On The Quality Of Life

Military Says Flag Burning High on List of "What We Fight For"

2005-06-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

A survey of 1364 officers and enlisted ranked "the right to burn the flag" high among reasons why they chose to fight for America. The survey, conducted last weekend by top pollster Daniel Mullins, asked members of all five armed forces about what motivated them to put themselves in harm's way in defense of their nation.

Even conservatives have come to believe that meaningless defiance is a protected form of liberty

Mullins was surprised when traditional answers like God, family, duty, and honor were not among the top five. Instead, service members were convinced that protecting narcissistic acts of self-indulgence by anarchists, anti-globalists and bored college students was at the heart of their mission.

The top five freedoms worth protecting:

5. The right to access pornography in America's libraries
4. The right to one of America's 857,000 annual safe, legal, and rare abortions
3. The right to a living wage
2. The right to burn the flag in protest
1. The right to digitally create photorealistic images of child rape

Prof. Charles Montray of UC Berkeley explains: "It took many decades, but we've finally managed to confuse the meanings of licentiousness and liberty to the point where even staunch conservatives have accepted our definition of 'liberty' at face value. Our mind-f**k of the American people is complete."

Jesse Sullivan: Worlds First Bionic Man

2005-06-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Jesse Sullivan, 54, became the world's first bionic man today when doctors attached artificial limbs to his body. Sullivan lost his limbs in a experimental plane crash.

doot-doot-doot-doot-doot

"When Mr. Sullivan came to us he was a man barely alive. We had the capability to make the world's first Bionic Man," said doctor Todd Kuiken, who worked on Sullivan. "Jesse Sullivan will be that man. Better than he was before. Better... stronger... faster".

The Department of Defense is picking up the tab for the experimental surgery, in hopes that Jesse might become a military asset. This was the subject of heated questioning for Donald Rumsfeld in front of the Senate Armed Services committee today.

Rumsfeld to Kennedy: "Don't F*** with my bionic man".

Senator Kennedy angrily doubted that it was appropriate to "requisition a human being" to be used against islamofascists in the War on Terror. But Defense Secretary Rumsfeld was defiant, insisting that Sullivan would in no way be involved in the Terror War, because "we need him to fight America's real enemy: extra-terrestrial controlled Sasquatch."

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Linked on Mudville Gazette.

Starbucks Hails Supreme Court Decision

2005-06-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

In a 5-4 decision handed down today, the Supreme Court sided with local governments that wish to use eminent domain rights to facilitate urban planning projects. While many conservative and libertarian pundits are outraged, James L Donald, CEO of Starbucks, Inc. is overjoyed.

All the friendly atmosphere of home-- your home-- is coming to your neighborhood Starbucks.

"This was really the last impediment to a market segment where we had not been able to affect significant penetration." The segment, tract housing, has been deprived of Starbuck's delicious brand of custom-brewed java because of antiquated zoning regulations and draconian master planned communities. Now, however, Donald sees a Starbucks literally on every corner, with local governments enjoying the tax revenues that every $17.50 cup of coffee delivers.

To kick off the promotional campaign for "Home Brewed" Starbucks, the company will be hiring America's own hyper-caffeinated princess, Jennifer Wilbanks, to be their new spokeswoman.

I'd like another Venti please, no whip, skim, mocha.

Get The Real Story:

Michelle Malkin has every link on the net.

Rare Two-Faced Kitten Eyeing Run Against McCain in 08

2005-06-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

Gemini, a rare kitten born with two faces is just a week old, but already has big plans. When her tiny eyes finally open next week, she is going to set all four squarely on the political ambitions of John McCain. The kitten is planning to run head-to-head-to-head against the maverick Republican in the 2008 Presidential primaries.

Gemini is a two-faced cat with a mission.

"McCain can't hide from us," says Lee Bluetear, the kitten's owner and chief political consultant, "We're going to give him the run of his life."

Gemini, like many cats a staunch conservative, was immediately angered by McCain's pandering to the media and "moderate" voters. Bluetear expressed Gemini's plan: "Moderate voters have shown a real love for the kind of leadership that McCain offers. Just wait 'til they meet Gemini."

Some have argued that Gemini has no real plan for America, and offers only a vague, watered-down political grab-bag of ideas, focused mainly on not making waves. Bluetear said that was exactly the strategy designed to steal away voters who would gravitate towards McCain.

Gemini has vowed to follow McCain "all the way to the Iowa Caucuses" in her bid to take down her political nemesis.

Some have claimed McCain's appearance is an optical effect as the Senator rapidly shifts from right to left; other's believe the feature is permanent.

Linked on Mudville Gazette and Outside the Beltway.

Scientists Say Climate Disaster Narrowly Avoided

2005-06-22T16:21:00.000-07:00

Scientists with the Global Climatology Conference announced today a stunning revelation that planet Earth recently narrowly avoided a catastrophic "climatology event" that would have led to massive extinction and an end to life as we know it. The event would have made even the most dire 'global warming' predictions seem mild.

The Sun, shown here burning fiercely, looks menacingly upon a unsuspecting Earth

"We have been monitoring daylight levels for several months," said Dr. Petir Drulent, of the Hans Brinkman Climatology Center in Oslo. "As early as yesterday, all the signs were pointing to a classic 'lightening event', where the daylight hours on Earth steadily increase until the entire world is sent into a spiral of blinding brightness and rising temperatures. Plants would have been unable to reproduce, birds unable to migrate. Entire ecosystems would have crashed within weeks. We gave human civilization two months, tops."

Dr. Drulent admitted that the causal factor for this phenomenon was not yet fully understood, but the scientific data was unarguable.

Luckily, scientists say that a sudden turnaround occurred; the shift was detected this morning by ultra-sensitive atomic clocks located throughout the northern hemisphere.

"We believe the event peaked on June 21. Our model is incomplete, but we believe there will be a gradual return to more normal daylight levels, and fortunately this disaster will be avoided."

However, Dr. Drulent offered a cautionary note: he warned that if the new trend started this morning did not reverse itself, the possibility of the Earth being plunged into continual darkness, the so-called "Snowball Earth," was not beyond his calculations.

Aruba Suspect Makes Tearful Apology From Senate Floor

2005-06-22T06:41:00.000-07:00

In an historic moment in US Senate history, Joran van der Sloot, suspected in the disappearance of Alabama teen Natalee Holloway, made a heartfelt apology on the floor of the Senate late yesterday.

In a statement that lasted just five minutes, van der Sloot was contrite and, at times, on the verge of tears. He explained that he had had an instantaneous attraction to Natalee-- but admitted that he may have gone too far.

"Some may believe that I crossed the line," said. "To them I extend my heartfelt apologies."

His voice quaking and tears welling in his eyes, the 17-year-old also apologized to anyone in Natalee's family who felt insulted by his actions.

"They're the best. I never, ever intended any disrespect for them," he said.

Top Democrats have been extremely receptive to the apology, inviting van der Sloot to speak at a fundraiser just an hour after the speech.

UPDATE: We have received several emails scolding us for making a comparison between a US Senator and a suspect in what everyone fears is the kidnapping, rape, and murder of an innocent young lady from Alabama.

Readers, more than most people, a blogger lives by his words. Words are the coin of the realm in our profession. Occasionally, words will fail us, and occasionally, we will fail words. After reading the horrible details of Natalee's disappearance, we then, on our own, our own words, made some characterizations about Dick Durbin. We made reference to the rape, torture and killing of a young woman. Readers, we've come to understand that was a very poor choice of words. We sincerely regret if what we said caused anyone to misunderstand our true feelings. We're sorry if anything we said caused any offense to the august Senator from Illinois. There's usually a quote from Abraham Lincoln that you can turn to in moments like this. Maybe this is the right one. Lincoln said, if the end brings me out right, what is said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten thousand angels swearing I was right wouldn't make any difference.

Get The Real Story:

Captain's Quarters, Michelle Malkin, Radio Blogger,

Linked on Mudville, Outside the Beltway, Basil's Blog.

Carnival of the Vanities #12^2

2005-06-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

Carnival of the Vanities is up at the flagship of Laurence Simon's Crapiverse.

Honestly, how that guy does it all is somewhere outside of normal. (Envy rears its ugly head)

Assassination Attempt Against Michael Moore Fails

2005-06-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

Democrats are furious today, accusing Republicans of an assassination attempt on controversial filmmaker Michael Moore. They allege that silencing Moore is a critical component of a comprehensive strategy designed to ensure the continuing dominance of the Republican party. Part of this strategy is to stop production of Moore's devastating new documentary Fahrenheit 9/11?.

Democrats allege that Republican '527' dollars funded this enormous pie

Republican spokesman Danny Baird loudly denied the charges. "How were we supposed to know that a man of Michael Moore's stature would be irresistibly attracted to the world's largest pizza? How were we supposed to know that he would eat himself half to death? There was just no way we could have known."

Moore, whose controversial films have made him a frequent target of right wing attack dogs, was last seen stumbling away in a stupor from the Iowa Falls-Alden High School parking lot, where, on Saturday, the world's largest pizza was constructed. His whereabouts remain unknown.

This image of Michael Moore is believed to be the last photo taken before his disappearance.

Baird continued: "I'm sure he will probably turn up sooner or later. This is probably no different than his three day rampage through the Little Debbie factory in Collegedale, Tennessee last May. He's probably sleeping it off in a dumpster somewhere."

Democrats are promising to hold a fake hearing in the congressional basement to investigate further.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Tips for New Bloggers

2005-06-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

Now that Point Five reaches literally tens of readers a day-- maybe even you-- we get lots of questions about how we transformed our sleepy little blog into a Top 1000 powerhouse. Of course, there are a lot of answers to that question, but most of them are proprietary, so we generally delete those emails.

However, I thought it would be helpful to new bloggers to discuss some of the finer points of starting a new blog.

Try to think of a clever nom-de-plume. This is a french word that means "name of plume." I don't know what the hell that means, but I know you need to have one to be taken seriously. Oh, but be careful. You'll want to stay away from names like "Hindrocket" or "Big Trunk", unless you want a lot of Google traffic searching for gay porn. I chose "a4g", which has the mysterious, intriguing connotations of a randomly generated password.

Make sure to let everyone know that "blog" is short for "web log." This will solve a lot of problems.

Make sure your blog has an editorial theme. Pick a topic that interests you and craft your blog around it. It can be politics, hobbies, pets, family, anything! But it should be politics, because that other stuff is lame.

No satire. The field is getting a little crowded, and that means ideas are getting scarce. There's nothing more embarrassing than getting accused of "ripping off somebody else's idea" just because you ripped off somebody else's idea.

Try to inject your unique personality into every post. This can be challenging, because most people are annoying, including you. I mean, you like yourself, sure. But me? I can take you or leave you. On second thought, inject somebody else's personality into your blog. Maybe pretend you're a character from a movie. Leonardo DiCaprio's character in Titanic was pretty cool. Well, no, maybe he was a dick. Maybe like Hannibal Lecter? I don't know, I don't watch a whole lot of movies.

If you have a cat, your blog should be full of cat pictures. You would think that all cats are pretty much the same, but if you've spent any time reading blogs, you'll know that every cat sleeps just a little bit differently. And any given cat will sleep differently each time it sleeps. Remember: that difference can mean monster traffic to your site.

One great way to get more traffic to your site is to drop in on the comments sections of other blogs and post links to your latest post. Try to really talk up how fantastic your analysis is. And don't worry if you are off-topic. Remember, your blog is worth the trip!

Don't quit your job to blog full time, unless you have enough money saved up to cover your bills for the first few months. After that, you can be pretty sure advertising revenue will take over. The Evil Emperor Mindstation suggests running up your credit cards for a couple months as a great alternative, and then you can pay them back down when the big money really starts rolling in.

If you're having trouble coming up with material, one great blogging technique is to say "Here's so-and-so's take on the latest controversy:", and then just lift their post and put it on your blog. This fills up the blog with nice long posts, which makes you seem really smart. Oh, but make sure to copy only about 90% of their post, and finish up with a "Read the whole thing." This will also make you seem authoritative. If you're feeling guilty about stealing somebody else's work, just remember: all they had to do was write it-- it took you to see that it was worth reading.

If you're in the rarefied air of "Top 1000 Blogger" (I assume there must be at least three hundred) and you have any other tips for the newbies, leave a comment to help them out.

Study: Video Store "Employee Picks" No Better Than Simple Chance

2005-06-20T11:35:00.000-07:00

In a comprehensive study of over 1300 retail video rental locations across the US, researchers have found that movies catagorized under "Employee Favorites" or "Our Picks" sections are no better than the movie selections that would be made by simple chance.

"Our data are remarkably consistant," said Dr. Peter Uulant, co-author of the study. "The finding holds true regardless of geographic location, urban density, MPAA rating, or format. By every metric, relying on the employee-chosen favorites does not positively correlate with a better movie rental experience."

Dr. Uulant described a slight variation between the results for DVD and VHS to be within the margin of error.

Video store employees, however, are loudly disputing the results. "Ken", who restocks videos at the Blockbuster nearest the Point Five offices, said, "What? So like Eraserhead and Empire Of The Ants don't qualify as great frickin' movies? You guys are whack."

Other employees were similarly outraged, offering such personal favorites as Leprechaun 2, Boxing Helena, and 50 First Dates.

Republicans to Rove: Don't Get Cocky Over DSM

2005-06-20T04:39:00.000-07:00

With the revelation that the only proof of the authenticity of the Downing Street Memos (DSM), is the word of a British journalist, who admitted that his only copies are versions that he personally hand-typed, memories of the infamous TANG memos have been revived.

The Downing Street Memo, or "DSM", as named by originator Karl Rove, is a not-so-subtle dig at his intellectually inferior political opponents.

Left leaning analysts and bloggers are already leveling accusations at the ever-devious Karl Rove, whose rapacious love of humiliating Democrats is understandably legendary. But top Republicans are beginning to question the mastermind's deft touch, and wondering if he is becoming overly confident after his many years of triumphs.

"I don't know how the liberals could have missed the joke," says one top Republican operative, who feared speaking about Rove without promises of the strictest confidentiality. "I mean Downing Street Memo, 'DSM'. Very funny. I understand that naming your latest planted scandal after a manual for diagnosing mental disorders may be amusing, but I'm worried that Karl is starting to get sloppy. Leaving tracks where before he was always sure to remain squeaky clean."

Others disagree. An old friend talked to Point Five, requiring the same fear-based confidentiality: "With Karl, its all about topping himself. I mean, only mental patients would take Karl's bait; that's always been the joke. When Karl dressed up in the Carmen Miranda outfit, complete with makeup and the fruit basket hat, I told him there was no way they would buy it... But Karl just said 'Me no comprende, senor. Me name Luci Ramirez. Me show you, they believe!' And sure enough, they did. So if they bought it with the TANG documents, why not call the next batch DSM?"

As of now, it appears Rove's position is safe, as the entire left half of the blogosphere continues frothing at the mouth over the non-issue, and even Democratic Senators were intimating thoughts of impeachment over an unseen document of questionable provenance, with the joke moniker "DSM". It remains to be seen just how far Rove can go before his mental patient adversaries wise up.

Get The Real Story:

Saw it first on Little Green Footballs, The Anchoress treats the subject well, Captain's Quarters seems to be hitting every pitch out of the park lately, Sundries Shack had a nice take, Wizbang also of interest

Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Point Five Sunday Roundup, 6.19.05

2005-06-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA
Batman Begins opens strongly at the box office, taking in an estimated $40 million in its first two days of release, which coincidentally is the amount I'll need for therapy after seeing Batman star Katie Homes in Paris having her face lampreyed by vampire-doofus Tom Cruise.

TANACU, Romania
An Orthodox priest doesn't quite understand the fuss over the death of a 23-year-old schizophrenic nun who he bound, gagged, starved, and hung from a crucifix for three days as part of an elaborate exorcism. Quick, somebody call Dick Durbin, and he can tell us how this one loony priest conclusively proves that Christianity is just as nuts as Islam.

WASHINGTON, DC
The AP has an interesting analysis piece considering the options President Bush has for his Supreme Court nominee. I'm partial to the one who has a chainsaw in place of his right hand. How about you?

LOS ANGELES, CA
Leonardo DiCaprio was hit with a bottle at a party hosted by Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend on Friday... Sorry. I got nothing.

LONDON, England
The leak of the security plan for the G8 summit to a London newspaper, the Independent, has sent British security forces into all out panic. At first I didn't understand this story, but when I replaced "Independent" with "Newsweek", it all became clear.

NEW YORK, NY
Oil set an all time high on Friday at $58.60 a barrel. Big deal. I only get my oil changed like every 5000 miles. This seems like a non-story.

SANTA YNEZ, CA
One of the jurors on the Jackson case was invited to the victory party at the Chumash Indian Casino on Friday, which is odd, because I thought you had to be eighteen to serve on a jury.

Another week in the can. Point Five Out.

The Point Five Sunday Roundup is a weekly feature exclusive to Point Five, wherein I try to comment on as many Drudge headlines as I can in the time it takes me to make breakfast for my kids.

Linked on Mudville Gazette.

Hackers Steal 40 Million Credit Card Numbers

2005-06-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

It was revealed yesterday that unknown hackers electronically breached a credit card processing center's computers, stealing financial data for some 40 million credit cards, netting an estimated $372.15 in available credit.

A spokesman for CardSystems, Inc., a processing company that handles transactions for more than 115,000 small to mid-sized businesses, claims that no addresses or Social Security numbers were involved in the theft.

The FBI is focusing its investigation on Tristan Bellows, 16, of Tacoma, WA, who in the last week had begun receiving some 1.5 million monthly statements daily. His parents, Mary and George Bellows, began to suspect something was wrong when tens of thousands of dollars went missing from their checking account. It is believed the money went to pay minimum monthly payments.

The boy was found unconcious in the living room of his parents' home late Friday, his swollen tongue encrusted with envelope glue and crisscrossed with multiple lacerations, believed by investigators to be papercuts.

Get The Real Story:

Tech:Knowledge

Linked on Mudville Gazette.

Kofi Threatens To Slash Rape Budget If US Cuts Funds

2005-06-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

Kofi Annan, Secretary General of the United Nations, angrily denounced today's Congressional action to tie US financial support of the UN to radical reforms of the beleagered institution.

Firing back with his own counter-threat, Annan promised to gut the budgets for the UN's highly effective child rape programs in Africa.

I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Sexual Abuse Allegation #3154.

"The Bush Administration must realize that it does not operate in a vacuum; cutting off funding to the UN has real world consequences. There are literally millions of starving children in the world. If these children cannot service and satisfy our UN Peacekeepers, where will they get the morsels of food that are their rewards? Without the opportunity to keep up our troops morale, those children will starve."

Annan described the UN as the world's only legitimate force for positive change.

Annan pointed out the billions of dollars of illegal revenue kept out of the hands of the murderous tyrant Saddam Hussein, by quick-thinking UN officials who were able to convert 'oil vounchers' into cash and safely impound the money in Swiss accounts.

It appears, however, that Annan is taking the congressional threat seriously, as the Secretary General is scheduled to meet tomorrow with Dean Arthur Schwartzmiller, who Annan is considering as the new head of UNICEF. Schwartzmiller is accused of 36,000 child molestations over a thirty year period, which immediately interested UN officials, who saw in the man's experience the opportunity to institute serious cost-cutting measures.

Get The Real Story:

Captain's Quarters,

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Outside the Beltway, Basil's Blog.

God Denies "Divine Wrath" Responsible For CA Earthquakes

2005-06-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

God, through a spokesman, denied today that the recent rash of California earthquakes were any form of divine justice.

"There's not anything particularly God-angering going on in California right now," said the spokesman, a glorious angelic figure ringed with fire, "Besides the usual, of course. Why would God choose this week? Why, for example, not Florida during the whole Terri Schiavo debacle?"

But critics are suspicious. Roland Spencer, with American Atheists, notes, "Listen, this is just the sort of cryptic message God is always giving. That's why we so strongly deny His existence. He's always playing head games."

God responded: "Shoot, you figured me out, Roland. It's all just head games...

Or is it?"

New Popemobile For The 21st Century

2005-06-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

Vatican officials announced today plans to begin use of the new Popemobile designed "for the 21st century Pope".

Pope Benedict XVI in a surprise testrun of the PM 3000

Featuring armor plating, grappling hooks and dual holy water autocannons, the new Popemobile is "built for the evangelization of tomorrow".

Pope Benedict's life was changed forever when his millionaire parents were murdered before his eyes. Joining with the evil Nazi youth as a boy, he finally turned from his mentor Hitler's pointless hatred, and instead chose to fight inequity with his own brand of brutal justice as the Dark Knight of Columbus. Donning his hi-tech papal vestments, he acts as a benevolent shepherd to a billion faithful by day, and a ruthless avenger by night.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:

TimesOnline

Carnival Of Comedy Eight

2005-06-17T06:15:00.000-07:00

Was is just seven short weeks ago that we first went on this journey together, a journey of comedy...

And who would have thought, after all that time, we'd still be laughing and enjoying good times together...

Carnival Of Comedy, I love you. I love you like the morning dew that sits gently on the leaves, like the cool whisper of evening, in the hush of twilight after the sun disappears behind the horizon...

Are you still here? Why aren't you at the Carnival of Comedy?

Liveblogging Earthquake!

2005-06-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, there's an earthquake here at the office. My big chance to try out liveblogging after my last disastrous attempt...

Nevermind, it's over.

Praise for Durbin As IL Senator Firms Up Terrorist Vote

2005-06-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

We ask 'Why do they hate us?' I think America's health care crisis is part of the answer.

Deep within a secret, subterranean planning room, Republican strategists are fuming over the speech given yesterday on the senate floor by Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL). After reading a description by an FBI agent of the conditions of prisoners in the Gitmo detention facility, Durbin concluded:

...you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime--Pol Pot or others--that had no concern for human beings. Sadly, that is not the case. This was the action of Americans in the treatment of their prisoners.

In a nation as closely divided as America in 2005, Republicans realize that a swing of just a few thousand votes can turn the fortunes of a party.

"I'll hand it to Durbin," said Chet Brakely, an RNC strategist, "He found an under-represented voting block and seems to have solidified its support for the Democrats."

Brakely explained that the terrorist vote has not often been pandered to in previous elections, but that he fears that Democrat internal polls have discovered a hidden constituancy "right under our noses." He is poring over reports from the INS that show massive numbers of non-Mexicans crossing over the US-Mexico border, and believes that besides suicide belts, these new residents may also be carrying voter registration cards.

Other Republicans are less concerned. "The Dems have had the terrorist vote sewn up for years," said Bob Relas, chairman of the Illinois Republican Committee. "The presidency of Jimmy Carter alone bought them fifty years of goodwill. We don't expect any significant shift in the numbers."

Still, national party leaders have quietly put out the word to the terrorists that the Republicans welcome them too, via Mel Martinez, Chuck Hagel, and Bill Kristol.

Get The Real Story:

Captain's Quarters, Right Wing Nut House, GOP Bloggers

Linked on Mudville Gazette.

New Media-Funded Polling Service Set To Launch

2005-06-16T06:29:00.001-07:00

A consortium of newspapers and television news services announced today a new project designed to be the next generation of opinion polling.

Based on a massively parallel network of high powered computers, the new opinion polling service will generate survey results in an entirely new way, bringing a field that is sometimes art, sometimes science, fully into the digital age.

The designer of the system, Piers Hoagland, demonstrated a test release of the system with a sample poll on the popularity of George W Bush.

"In the old models," Hoagland explained, "we relied too much on the human factor. Wild swings in the results gave President Bush an approval factor as high as 83%. The new system completely removes the errors inherent in asking questions, and Bush's popularity can never go above a randomly determined number between 43-48%."

In designing a poll, it is possible to asked a skewed question. Hoagland believes that inexperienced editors don't always know whether their questions are sufficiently biased to get the results they are looking for.

Still, many pollsters and newspaper editors are unhappy with the new system. An editor at a major metropolitan newspaper told Point Five:

"We've just made up the numbers for as long as I can remember. I don't see why we should change now. Is this computer system going to know when to starting skewing sharply towards reality, like in the days just before an election? Is it going to be able to bury the raw polling data deeply enough in jargon and doubletalk to hide the methodology?"

Proponents of the system counter that the computer will be able to not only generate the desired results, but even create believable so-called "internals" to continue to reflect a generally left-wing attitude in a country that has been trending decidedly right for the last three decades.

Neither the pollsters or the editors were able to explain to Point Five how exactly these polls would in any way help their cause, but they did comment that it helped make them feel better.

Linked on Outside the Beltway.

Important Assignment!

2005-06-16T06:29:00.000-07:00

You must visit the new ecosystem! This is an order, not a request. NZ Bear has been hard at work, and has created a beautiful portal with much bloggy goodness.

Five Blogs I Love

2005-06-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

Five blogs I love, and why you should go visit them right now:

I always imagine Ellisson in a cabana on the sand in Key West, drinking a tall, colorful drink with a paper umbrella sticking out of it, while he chats with a lifetime full of friends and family who lounge on chaises all around. This may not be how he actually lives, but my brain just keeps ignoring everything to the contrary. A guy who loves life even when it hurts, knows the value in the appropriate fear of one's wife, and tells great stories.

Atlas Shrugs explodes off the screen, a frenzy of ideas and quotes and manifestos. Pamela is unabashedly sincere, and reading a post is like the guilty pleasure of watching an ultimate fighting cage match. I have a soft spot for anyone who distills the world so clearly into its component black and white, and the fact that her site is like a refrigerator stuffed with too many magnets (and takes like 15 minutes to load) is all part of the appeal.

mquest is really worth a look. Pictures and captions, with wonderfully quirky observations that give you the exquisite pleasure of seeing the world in a new way, as you say "Why didn't I think of that?"

Gates of Vienna is always wonderful, although commenting is intimidating at best, as the discussions often get into the "Belmont Club" realm where it takes a few Previews to get the courage to press 'Post'. A relentless lens on the conflict between the West and Islam, Baron Bodissey and Dymphna offer commentary that is always intelligent and thought-provoking.

The Cafeteria Is Closed. Don't let his thumbnail picture fool you, the guy is a two-ton-bench-pressing monster, and he attacks his topics with the same zeal. His always sharp, dead-on posts will never fail to delight. This is a place where Catholic lives and breathes.

Hey, this was fun. I may just do it again next week. I've already thought of the next five!

Now go read!

UPDATE: Oh, and ignore the 'yes, it's satire' bit below. Yes, it's automatic. Maybe someday I'll grow up and get Movable Type.

Barbara Boxer In Hiding After Schiavo Autopsy Results Released

2005-06-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

The autopsy results that showed Terri Schiavo's brain was half the size of what was to be expected has heartened supporters of her husband's decision to seek removal of her feeding tube in March of this year. They say the evidence indicates that Terri was not really a person worthy of a chance at life, as her supporters argued.

The revelation has sent several Senate Democrats into hiding. California Sen. Barbara Boxer is believed to be most at risk, as Florida Judge George Greer has recently ordered an extra ream of forms for taking care of his next round of victims.

Developing...

Pro-Euthanasia Blogger Vindicated By Schiavo Autopsy Results

2005-06-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

Pinellas-Pasco Medical Examiner Jon Thogmartin issued his autopsy results today on the body of Terri Schiavo, a severely brain damaged Florida woman who died March 31 of court-imposed dehydration.

The report states:

No evidence of trauma
No evidence of strangulation
No evidence of an eating disorder
No evidence of drugs administered to hasten death
No evidence of the ability to see
No evidence of brain function
No evidence of the ability to swallow

Based on this stunning evidence, pro-death activists are gloating over their vindication in this case.

"The evidence from this autopsy clearly proves once and for all, that Terri was never going to wake up and do anything that would benefit me," said John Wheeler, with LifeChoiceBlog, a pro-euthanasia blogger. "How anyone could want to live cooped up in a room for the rest of their life, just existing, is beyond me."

Wheeler is so dedicated to his belief in euthanasia that he has committed his life to it. He spends his days closed in his room, staring into his computer monitor as he surfs the internet, watching for stories that might affect the cause.

Abortion Advocates Shocked At Fetus Eating Charge

2005-06-15T08:08:00.000-07:00

Local residents are are stunned at the charges leveled against a Kansas City abortionist who has been accused of eating aborted fetuses. Police are at a loss to explain what would attract such an unhinged man to the abortion profession, a medical specialty which involves killing babies by the thousands by burning them with saline solution, ripping apart their bodies, or sucking their brains out through a tube.

"It's absolutely ghastly!" said a stunned Myra Linghorn, a spokeswoman for NARAL. "Yet another option has been taken away from women. Yet another doctor is silenced. How many women will suffer because of the Nazi tactics of the anti-choice Gestapo?"

Nazi tactics have not been documented to include burning people with saline solution, ripping apart their bodies, or sucking their brains out through a tube.

Outrage: Disney Claims Ride "Safe" Despite Death

2005-06-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

After the death of a 4-year-old rider on Monday, Disney World officials have reopened a controversial ride.

The $100 million ride, one of Disney World's most popular, was closed after the death but reopened Tuesday after company engineers concluded that it was operating normally.

The ride, Mission: Iraq, simulates the "jaw dropping thrills and gut-wrenching excitement" of a suicide bomber's first mission. You are Abdullah Al-Bin Dhuri, a young Saudi male, recruited to "destroy the hated soldiers of the Great Satan, Allah willing" by blowing up your fellow Arabs in a typical Iraqi marketplace populated by stunningly lifelike animatronics and sprinkled with Disney magic.

The ride, which is so intense that riders have been taken to the hospital with chest pains, and missing limbs, is one of Disney World's most popular.

The ride was inspired by Disney's "continuing commitment to inclusiveness and understanding," said a company spokeswoman. She cited the re-editing of Aladdin to remove lyrics offensive to Muslims, the failure to designate Jerusalem as Israel's capitol in its Millennium Village exhibit, and Michael Eisner's 2003 smear of Steve Jobs as a "Shiite Muslim."

The spokeswoman was unable to comment on the rising controversy with the Muslim community over the park's upcoming "Roger Rabbit's Koran Spin" attraction, which prominantly features the holy book of islam getting "the dip."

Get The Real Story:

Wizbang

Sensenbrenner Stops Meeting, Democrats Near Death

2005-06-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

Chairman of The House Judiciary Committee, Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-Wis) walked out of a committee meeting examining the Patriot Act on Friday, as Democrats veered debate into an angry discussion of Gitmo detainees.

Democrats were irate at Sensenbrenner's decision to end the meeting early and called it "a Republican abuse of legitimately gained power". Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) was reportedly "cut off in midsentence" by Sensenbrenner.

But the Democrats' attempt to turn the meeting into political hay backfired. Sensenbrenner left without adjourning the meeting to a close, and, in fact, took the gavel with him, leaving Democrats powerless to end the meeting.

Now, for the fourth straight day, Democrats have been unable to leave the conference room or stop talking. Thirsty and hungry, a feeding tube was inserted into the quickly failing, yet still yammering, Rep. Nadler late Sunday.

A candlelight vigil is currently being held outside the building by Democrat supporters, who are demanding that Sensenbrenner come back and end the meeting. Reports indicate, however, that the vigil has turned into a Woodstock-like orgy and much of the focus has been lost.

But in an ironic turn of irony, Nadler's only source of nutrients will be removed today, following a ruling by Florida Family Court Judge George Greer, who issued a writ of execution for Nadler, citing the perceived brain-dead condition of the national Democrats, and the undue pain and suffering caused by being a member of a dying party. No case was pending before Judge Greer, but he generously offered his services pro bono.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:

Townhall

Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Bush to Unveil New "Border Defense" Policy

2005-06-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

Bush listens to border plans with a skeptical ear.

President Bush is working on the last details of a dramatic new immigration plan that promises to cut down illegal border crossings to near-zero levels. The plan has caused shock among critics, who note the softness on this issue from both sides of the aisle....

The inspiration for the plan is said to have come from a high-level retreat with top cabinet members, where Bush asked for competing plans to stem the tide of illegals entering the US from Mexico. Point Five's source, a top Administration official speaking on the condition of anonymity, explains:

"The President listened to all the ideas: increased enforcement along the border; the completion and augmentation of a border fence; expanded prosecutions of employers. None seemed to catch his interest. He had heard all of these before-- he wanted thinking way outside the box."

It was then that the President presented his own bold plan to solve the problem.

In a speech next week, Bush is scheduled to announce the moving of 1330 statute miles of the US-Mexico border from the land stretching between California and Texas, to far inside the American interior, most likely in a large spiral shape centered deep within the Rocky Mountains.

Bush explains, "It's going to be pretty hard for Pedro, or Consuela, to cross the border when they find out Dubya done gone and moved it."

Immigrants' rights groups are said be outraged at the plan. "The spiral shape of the new border, along with its altitude, is guaranteed to cause dizziness and loss of balance among the few border crossers who can manage to reach it. We will see bodies piled hundreds deep at the bottom of sheer granite cliffs. Those that do survive the cliffs will undoubtably be trapped by blizzards and be forced to survive by adopting 'Donner Party' style cannibalism to survive."

They are calling for Bush to scrap his plan, and demanding an even more relaxed border policy than now, so as to ensure "the only plan with bipartisan support, the traditional two-class system of lords and vassals that ensures cheap labor for Republican fatcat donors, and Democrat supremacy in future elections."

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Wizbang, Outside the Beltway.

Bonfire #102

2005-06-14T05:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to do the math on how many bad posts there have been after 102 bonfires, but it sure must be a lot.

Visit, if you dare.

ZOMBIE FATTY ARBUCKLE ATTACKING NEVERLAND RANCH

2005-06-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

**BREAKING NEWS**

THE ZOMBIE CORPSE OF ROSCOE "FATTY" ARBUCKLE CURRENTLY ASSAULTING NEVERLAND RANCH DURING VICTORY PARTY...... BELIEVED TO HAVE RISEN FROM THE GRAVE IRATE OVER EASE OF JACKSON ACQUITTAL...... POLICE RUSHING TO SCENE...... EARLY REPORTS INDICATE TWO DEBRAINED, FOUR OTHERS KILLED, FIFTEEN INJURED...... MAIN MANSION ON FIRE, HUNDREDS OF NAKED BOYS SEEN STREAMING FROM HOUSE...... ZOMBIE ARBUCKLE LAST SEEN IN DEATH MELEE WITH BUBBLES......

DEVELOPING...

Bolton Nomination In Peril Over Gitmo Allegations

2005-06-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

Could the bushy moustache and wire-rimmed glasses be hiding the notorious Sergeant A?

The long-fought battle to confirm John Bolton as UN Ambadassador took a stunning turn late last week from an unlikely direction, with the release of a blockbuster report from Time magazine.

Time's report, detailing the interrogation of a prisoner at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility by a "Sgt A", has Democrat Senators in an uproar. From Time:

A latex glove was inflated and labeled the 'sissy slap' glove. The glove was touched to the detainee's face periodically after explaining the terminology to him...

I began to engage closeness with the detainee. This really evoked strong emotions within the detainee. He attempted to move away from me by all means...

Senator Joe Biden is furious. "We've already heard testimony about Mr. Bolton's legendary temper, his threatening looks, his putting his hands on his hips. Can anyone read this report in Time and not notice the eerie similarities between this so-called 'Sgt A' at Guantanamo and John Bolton? You're damn right we're asking the Administration for more documents. Mr. Bush, who is 'Sergeant A'?"

Bolton angrily denies any involvement with the brutal interrogations at Guantanamo, which detainees have described using chilling phrases such as "health spa", "religious retreat", and "slumber party". When asked point blank if he was in fact 'Sgt A', Bolton cocked his head and pointed his finger at our correspondent, who wisely ran screaming from the interview.

Explaining, as Howard Dean said recently, that "I would make the argument that America is safer when Democrats are in the White House, than when Republicans are in the White House," Democrats hope to derail the Bolton nomination, and instead install their own choice for UN Ambassador, Janet Reno.

Could Howard Dean's claim of a more aggressive Democrat terror war be true?

Get The Real Story:

Captain's Quarters, Ace of Spades, Boortz,

Also Linked at Mudville Gazette and Outside the Beltway.

Republicans Prepare for New Hillary Expose

2005-06-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

"You were way better than Juanita Broaddrick, baby"

As news leaks out from the upcoming blockbuster expose on Hillary Clinton, Edward Klein's "The Truth About Hillary," average Republicans are preparing themselves to believe every word of it.

"There's very little he can slime her with that we haven't secretly thought," says Mark A. Logram, of PoliticalConnection, a respected conservative blogger. "We're not sure what's coming, but we're damn sure going to believe it. Lesbianism, rape, murder, sure, why not?"

Conservative talk is also gearing up to accept as gospel whatever the book says. A top talker spoke with Point Five over the weekend: "Listen, we can't stand the lies and trash that's been written about Reagan, Bush, and every other prominent Republican. They've all been indefensible smears. But this Hillary book, now that looks interesting. I mean, didn't you just know?"

Yes, we did, Mr. Talker. We most certainly did.

Get The "Real" Story:

Drudge, Captain's Quarters, Polipundit (Lorie)

UPDATE: Somehow, I expected the reaction that the Drudge headline has been getting around the 'sphere, which has varied between dismissing it outright and treating it as not worth comment (i.e. not posting at all). Takes the punch out of the humor, but does invite comparisons with the wild accusations continually leveled against Bush, et al, which seem to be widely adopted from the DUmpster all the way to the head of the DNC. -- a4g

On Being Abandoned In Las Vegas

2005-06-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Monday and Friday on Point Five.

Best Dressed Legislator Awards Ceremony

2005-06-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)

Friday Afternoon

The moment that this entire week has been building to is finally upon us.

Senators and Representatives in the audience quiet themselves and take their seats, as the grand chamber of legislation and debate anxiously awaits a speaker.

But the man taking the podium is not there to filibuster.

No, he is a man of a different sort; a man to whom rambling speeches and pontification are foreign.

Ted Kennedy wipes mustard off his mouth and brushes the crumbs off his shirt. A lone figure approaches the podium, radiating raw sexuality and pure evil. The sounds of Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries echoes through the chamber.

"Senators, Representatives, I would like to welcome you all to the Point Five Blog's First Annual 'Best Dressed Legislator' Awards Ceremony." I rip open my shirt, and my bare-chested torso glints and sparkles, drawing gasps of amazement from the audience.

A fresh chest shaving is important before any major speech.

This is the moment I have prepared for all week. I have endured many trials and suffered much heartache. I now have but one purpose, to fulfill my solemn duty to hand out awards.

Note: I will not be giving awards to female Senators as I do not recognize the 19th amendment.

The Robert C. Byrd Picture of Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) comes in 6th place with his dazzling dark red tie and crisp suit.

Rep. Nathan Deal (R-GA) takes home the less-than-expected 5th place trophy.

Underdog Rep. Don Young (R-AK) surprises critics and takes home the 4th place trophy with his snappy suit and charming smile.

Ken Salazar (D-CO), wowing judges with his daring blue tie, takes home the 3rd place trophy in a hotly contested race for 2nd

Although in a fierce race with Sen. Salazar, Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) dazzled judges with his mini-checkerboard tie, winning him 2nd place.

Treacherous Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) wins the 1st place trophy in an absolute blowout, taking 1st on every judges scorecard, but it is believed he will compromise with Sen. Byrd later this evening to take 6th.

And so I triumphantly conclude my trip to Washington. I will soon board the G550, and leave this hellhole of a city.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

>>The Final Post Just Ahead>>

Govt Announces "Hayat To Hawaii" Program

2005-06-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, the nation's top law enforcement officer, today announced the creation of the "Send a Terrorist to Hawaii" program, designed to stop Islamic extremism within the United States.

"With the arrest of Hamid Hayat and five other men in Lodi, California, on charges colluding with Al Qaeda, we asked ourselves 'Why do they hate us?' They live in our country, they see our wonderful freedoms. How can they want to kill us?"

But after actually visiting Lodi, the Attorney General had a startling revelation: Lodi was a dump. A check of previous terrorist arrests showed a shocking connection: Lodi, CA. Lackawanna, NJ. Detroit, MI.

All places nobody would want to live in.

"It was like the clouds parted and the bright light of realization shone through. We needed to get these terrorists to somewhere nice, like Hawaii, or Santa Barbara, or Key West. After all, cooped up in New Jersey, anybody would go a little crazy."

Osama issues a fatwa: against killin' his buzz!

It occurred to Gonzales he had read reports from Guantanamo detention facility of the cool trade winds and Caribbean lifestyle transforming crazy jihadis into Koran-desecrating fools, surpassing the guards by 3:1 in their disdain for the 'holy' book.

He hopes this same tactic will work on sleeper cells here in the US.

Congress will be considering funding the program in committee next week. The Justice Department is asking for $300 million to fund first class flights, hotel stays, helicopter trips, snorkeling, whale watching, and a "night life stipend" in order to seduce crazed Muslims into a decadent western lifestyle filled with booze, drugs, and hookers.

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The Counterterrorism Blog

Pimpin' on Mudville Gazette and Outside the Beltway.

An Old Adversary Emerges From The Shadows

2005-06-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)

Friday Morning

Yes, it is true I did not post last night.

The many congratulatory emails I have received since then have made the understandable assumption that my date ended in a night of sweaty passion and screams of pleasure.

But I fear my reason for not posting was not the fault of carnal indulgence, but rather a tragedy that I find it difficult to capture with words.

It has been a harrowing fifteen hours.

I arrived at the Target food court at 5:00 PM, just as Cindy and I had planned. I waited for several hours, munching on popcorn and all-beef hot dogs and microwave pizza in my nervous anticipation. All the while worrying what had happened to my love.

Some moments I was indignant. Does she know who she is standing up? My Elite Aryan Shock Troopers have destroyed civilizations! I am The Evil Emperor Mindstation!

I contacted Wal-Mart and tried to ascertain her whereabouts. They said they didn't have an employee named Cindy Brady. I tried to describe her, but they hung up. I called the phone number she gave me, and all I got was a valve manufacturer in Ohio. I searched for her name in the phone book. Nothing! I tried the names of her family members: Marsha, Greg, Jan, Peter, Bobby -- nothing! In desperation, I called the operator and was told that no one by the name of Cindy Brady lived in the D.C. area.

And then it became clear. No mere woman could have fooled me thus.

This was the work of a much darker force. Yes, dear readers, my old enemy. Nemesis and tormentor. The name which cannot be spoken: Haley Joel Osment.

It all became clear. The way the crowds in Wal-Mart had seemed to force me to register seven.

Her dyed black hair.
Her death-mask face, studded with bearings and baubles.
Her plump arms, tatooed with naked women being ravished by devils.

How could I have resisted such a vision? How could I have been such a fool?

And he knew all along I would take the bait. He knows me better than I know myself.

I spent last night wandering the streets of Washington, D.C., in a vain attempt to discover where he had locked her away. Mostly I sobbed. And even the sounds of Wagner's magnificient Ride of the Valkyries did not bring me the usual pleasure. I had Deiter and Franz stand back a bit, while I indulged in Imperial self-pity.

The solemn duty of Empire calls me now. I must complete the purpose that drew me to this bewitching city in the first place. I will plan my next move against my nemesis at some other time.

In the meanwhile, I shall vent my anger on Lars.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Unblockable Porn

2005-06-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

To the reader who visited Point Five this morning at 3:15am, having been directed to us from page 8 of his yahoo search for "unblockable porn":

Good luck, young man! Your eternal optimism is a shining light in a sea of dispair. May the gods of porn be with you!

Parents may wish to go here.

UPDATE: Interesting thing about a post titled "Unblockable Porn." Evidently it has the power to take you right to the top of Google.

What do you think would have happened if I had used my original title, "Coprophagia and Necrophilia?"

My Official State Visit

2005-06-09T12:04:00.000-07:00

(To follow the Emperor's trip from the beginning, click here.)

Thursday Afternoon

State visits are one of the dreadful necessities of my position. The parade of humorless world leaders that have wandered through The Palace of Ultimate Evil is too dull to even contemplate. Yet the official visit from which I have just returned is one of the few that I have actually looked forward to in my long, evil reign.

I first became intrigued by your George W Bush when he was the deliciously murderous Governor of Texas. His iron will in the dispensing of executions was so legendary that it even penetrated the high, razor-wired walls of the Palace. My interest was further piqued when I learned of the mathematical formula that proved that "Bush = Hitler." Fascinating.

Surely, this George W Bush is an equal to myself in pure evil malice. From his Gulags in Gitmo, to the 100,000 ostensibly 'innocent' Iraqi civilians he massacred in cold blood, to his destruction of inconvenient 'personal liberties' with the wonderfully diabolical Patriot Act, this commoner has truly earned the Emperor's blessing.

So during my tour of his White House home, I decided to leave the pleasantries of my itinerary, and abandoned the group with which I was touring. I was impatient to meet this George W Bush to congratulate him personally.

A misunderstanding with White House security unfortunately cut short my visit, but I did manage to capture a few pictures while I was hiding out in a janitorial closet to escape their taser guns.

My admiration for this George W Bush grows. Even his choice of cleaning products impresses! We clearly both share a love for dear Adolph.

Mr. Bush likes his dishes sparklingly White. Just like me!

Delightful!

And this beautiful doomed lover reminded me of my own love for Cindy.

I was forced to leave the White House in order to ready myself for tonight's date with Cindy. We can thank Lars for sneaking The Digital Camera of Ultimate Evil through the full body search that was performed on each of us before our release from custody.

He is certainly a trooper and a quick thinker, and now the only member of my sycophants who knows what it feels like to be in a Turkish prison.

Now I'm off to Target, to meet my raven haired love.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

>>There's More! Read the rest>>

Stubbed Toe "As Bad As 6 Million Jews Killed"

2005-06-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

Charles Rangel calls for an end to all ox goring.

Charles Rangel(D, NY) stubbed his toe Monday while leaving a radio interview with WWRL Radio's Steve Malzberg and Karen Hunter. Wincing in pain, he declared his injury equal to "the Holocaust."

The incident occurred due to a frayed piece of carpet, which caused Mr. Rangel to trip and kick his foot into a chair leg. Examining the damaged carpet after his fall, Mr. Rangel was incensed that no one had warned him to be careful walking through the clearly dangerous area. "This is just as bad as six million Jews being killed. The whole world knew it and they were quiet about it, because it wasn't their ox that was being gored."

He angrily emphasized that the building maintenance company, his interviewers, and even his own aides made sure that any oxen they were leading were steered well clear of the worn carpeting and any chance of being gored.

Paramedics treated and released Mr. Rangel on the scene, after examining the toe for fractures and recommending an extra-strength Tylenol to control the pain.

Mr. Rangel was unrepentant after the incident, when asked to clarify whether he really wanted to compare his stubbed toe with the demented slaughter of an entire people. He angrily denounced all of whom had failed to warn him.

"I am saying that people's silence when they know terrible things are happening is the same thing as the Holocaust, where everyone would have me believe that no one knew those Jews were killed over there."

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Michelle Malkin, Shape of Days, Hedgehog

Link trolling at Mudville Gazette and The Beltway Traffic Jam.

Carnival Of Comedy, Instapundit Edition

2005-06-09T07:40:00.000-07:00

Comedy. Heh.